I am happy

I'm not.
Everyday I have to drag myself out of be.
Everyday I have to remind myself not to be selfish.
Everyday I plaster on that smile you know so well.

Yes he hurt me, no he's not the reason I'm like this.

He's not the reason I want to die.
I always wanted to die.
He just tricked me into believing there was a reason to live.
I'm not some love sick teen, I am an adult.
I'm not foolish in thinking you need a man to be happy.
I'm a girl, who without the constant reminder of those reasons to live, I get tired of living.

I'm tired of being used, and tossed away.
I'm tired of being good enough only if it is a secret.
I'm tired of the lies.
I'm tired of those who pretend to care.
I'm Tired of living.

But I make myself remember...

I live for my mother, who fights cancer to be with me.
I live for my father, who never knew what a family could be.
I live for my brother who fights depression, and bullies.
I live for my friends who make me happy to have been parts of their amazing lives.

And sometimes...

Even that doesn't seem to matter.

What stops me? My cowardice, so I must want to live. right?

May 24, 2012

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  • Well you have just posted my confession for me. I don't really know i'm in between. Maybe we do want to live, who cares all I know is that at this moment i'm alive and i have to stay that way.

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