I'm in love with my boyfriend's friend
I will have to tell the entire story. I'll try and keep it as concise as I can.
I've been going out with my current boyfriend for nearly 5 years. I'm in my early 20s. We have lived together for nearly 4 1/2 years and have a flat together. We both have jobs, I'm at uni and he didn't finish 6th form college. I'm from quite an affluent background and his family are poorer. He is a lovely guy, very sensitive, we're both musicians so we have alot in common. But he's very emotional, very lazy, addicted to weed...etc. I'm bi-polar and have quite a temper problem but I am a very career driven, sociable, intelligent girl.
I cheated on him a year into the relationship with a random guy when I was a teenager and I genuinely felt so guilty about it. It resulted in my boyfriend becoming very possessive and controlling. Most recently, I agreed to put a GPS tracker on my phone so that he'd stop accusing me of being somewhere I shouldn't be. Please remember that I'd cheated on him over 3 years ago when I didn't know any better. I was genuinely sorry about it but it resulted in me harbouring a lot of resentment for the way I'd been treated. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends or sleep over at people's houses and there was a period when I became very depressed because I felt that I had lost all my friends because they had lost interest in me.
He smokes weed everyday. He spends hundreds a month on the stuff and as a result, he is listless, doesn't want to leave the house, doesn't let ME leave the house, has a problem with me coming home late and has accused me of cheating on him with our flat mate.
I'm difficult to live with as well. I don't feel like I'm that vulnerable. Most of the time, I'm a very head strong independant girl who doesn't take no for an answer and I argue back. Aggressively. Our fights are HUGE and ends in one of us threatening to leave each other. This happens maybe 3 times a month and lasts about a day.
In the past couple of weeks though, he's been trying hard for me. I've told him enough was enough and I wanted to be treated better. I wanted to socialise with my friends, I wanted to go to uni, I wanted to manage bands (obviously means that I work late nights)...etc. He is sorry for what he put me through.
My problem at the moment is, we've recently got back in contact with his old school friends and we hang out all the time now. But since talking to them, it is evident that I am the only reason that we hang out.
I drive him to their houses to hang out. If I didn't drive, he would never in a million years get on a bus or train to see them. They feel resentful that he hasn't been in touch with them for years only to miraculously appear out of nowhere when he required something from them (they are artists and my boyfriend needs artwork for a project he's working on).
I've really fancied one of his friends for a while now. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He's a little rough around the edges but he's so polite to me. He's cultured but not arrogant about it, very intelligent and he's a little crazy and spontaneous. Everything my boyfriend is not basically (he's lazy, has a daily routine, won't go out, isn't romantic, jealous...etc).
It's only been 3 weeks since we've all sort of started hanging out again. I hadn't seen him in nearly 2 years and my heart is pounding everytime I see him.
Recently, my boyfriend has been trying really hard. He's my best friend and he's trying to give up weed for me. We're going away for 3 weeks and after that he promises things will be different. That he'll be a better man but he's just left me in the house to pick up again.
I feel so alone. I can't talk to anybody because they're all his friends too. Is there any possible way I can get out of it?
I'm starting to feel trapped and panicky all the time. I think about the other guy all the time. I'm so depressed because I know that I could never have him without tearing apart my boyfriends friendship group. I would never wish that on anyone.
Either way, whether I have a chance with this other guy or not, I think I want to end this relationship but I've known him for so long and don't wish him out of my life. I know it's selfish but my closest friends are also his friends so I want to somehow still be his friend.
I know I have to respect his space and grief. He is obviously very much in love with me and I've dug myself a hole. I should have left him ages ago when I cheated on him in the first place. A relationship definately can't work like this.
Please help me