Confused about life
I have no idea what to write...this is my first time doing this.
I usually don't do this or talk about things but I thought I should give it a try...
I'll probably just ramble about somethings and just say whatever is on my mind, hahaha...probably if anyone of you do finish this you'll think I'm either a freak, stupid, dumb, evil, or whatever...
I know I am no saint and for sure I know I have done SO many things wrong, and i know I should let it go since its in the past but...it all comes back haunting me and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I bet you probably wondering what I mean...I guess I'll just give you a somewhat story of my life and let you guys judge me, my choices, my actions, and everything or something I guess...
Since the beginning of what I can remember my dad has a gambling problem and my mom became strict and puts the family above all else. At times we would never see my dad for days and my mom would always think of ways to get him back either thinking of scaring him by taking us somewhere else, telling him stories about incidents like almost being robbed or having bad things occur to us. Since they were also new to America they were also set in there traditional Asian ways with carpal punishment. But the thing is my dad took all his anger and frustration on my mom, and it passes down...from my dad to my mom, them from dad and mom to my brother, and from those three to me, and then usually from me to my sister. with me in the middle of the line up of siblings. As a child I never went to friends house, first time ever was in middle school. (no birthday parties or anything). It was always school and home...with how our parents were...a gambler and a supporter, us children were always either studying, playing our n64 or watching tv with the eldest in charge, my brother...we barely ever saw our parents only early in the morning or at night. Things got bad and we moved, but things didn't really change. Father didn't gamble because he was busy with things my mom got two jobs to pay off debts, but in the end those debts found the, and my dad decided to get "easy money" gambling again. Thats when my mom's parents moved in with us. things were okay for a while, but in the end we had to move again. both our parents got jobs, my brother moved out. but things didn't really change...dad was a gambler, my was still strict with money and put the family first, brother was still everyone's favorite, my sister was still spoiled and everyone would always have her back, and me...I tried to gain some control but never ever works...I found that out the hard way several times, once before we ever moved when i was yelling at my sister for breaking my cassette player and woke my dad up from his late slumber after coming back from the casino and he got irritated and mad and had a metal rod...started hitting me and in the end I ended up with a hole in my head...fortunately it did not go through the skull...other times I learned my lesson from my brother because I couldn't do well on a game I was playing with him, or I was doing the same thing he does to me on my sister. As time went by, after our first move before my mom's parents came, I slowly got into girls but because of how i was raised I didn't really put myself out there for dating because my parents were against it...but I was intrigue nonetheless...especially more so when my sister fell of a mountain bike that was obviously too big for her and hit her crotch on the bar...I took her home which was not even a block away and she said she was bleeding and said I had to look...I was against it at first and said I should get out mother but she insisted and I did and although she was bleeding I was amazed, but in the end I saw a cut and went and got mother. few months later, the thought hunts me and I somehow convinced her to bath with me, keep in mind I was a middle schooler...and all we did was bath. not long after that I got caught and it never happened again and around that time was when my mom's parent's came. Like I said after they came not long we moved again and my brother moved out...not much drama goes on except I try to gain some control but in the end I was still the one being taught a lesson by my parents. then my mom's brother daughter moved here with her son...and we got close quick but slowly I got interested...I started with her undergarments, then moved on to her used ones...then her husband came and I backed off all the way, did some stupid things to her kid...scared him, pranks, such and such...but in the end they found their own place...my father still gambles away all his earning and whatever he can find at home, my mom is still trying to secretly hide her money and protect her family meanwhile trying to get him to stop in the end all they do is argue. before ending my middle school life, I decided to set the school trash can on fire and that went on my record...I don't know if I wanted to get back at the school, rebel against my parents or what but I did it...Not long later, my mom's dad dies...that just put me down so much, he used to help me even if I was in the wrong...after that not much changes...drama everywhere, I slowly rebel sorta...started lying to my parents about school work and everything and started going to friends house, do homework, play games, hang out...anything but go home, home should be a place to be yourself and relax, but to me home is h*** and I'm barely ever happy here. Anyway, after the summer I was accepted back to school at the beginning of the school year...everything is the same, I lie and don't go home, still try to gain some control but pretty much gave up, barely associate with family...dad still gambles, and so on... Then we finally get to go on our first family vacation back to our native country...met all my mom's relatives, mostly hung out with my mom's younger sister's 4 daughters...actually 3 because one had to work all the time...but in the last two weeks of the vacation me and my sister went to their house and lived there so it was easier to do fun things. as the vacation time went up, I was deeply sadden because it was truly the first time I had fun and relaxed a little...then a year or so later my mom's younger sister's family moved to lived with us...fast forward a little, the youngest of the 4 is around my age and we got along somewhat well...but somehow we got into a more intimate stage, family found out a little was not too happy, gave us warnings, but we just snuck behind their back...that just pushed me more into girls, in which I screwed over two friendships with, and gave up many chances...in the end, she broke it off because I didn't have time because I was working as a salesmen...now, not only have I screwed up two friendships, but also any relation with her (cousin).
Now, I look at myself and see what I have become...as a child I wanted to be extraordinary...be a person with super powers or do something amazing to be unique...but now, all I see is a neet (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NEET) who has sleep paralysis occasionally, alone while all his friends move on with their life...constantly wondering why he is alive and what he will ever do. Looking back at all his mistakes and wishing and hoping to go back and fix them. Wondering if his death is better for him and everyone...constantly thinking about randomly disappearing from everyone he knows. Also, what is death like, where does one go, how does one feel.
Right now, I guess I am just confused about everything and all the mistakes and such that I have made...I guess I am trying to run away from it rather then deal with it because I don't know how. I feel like I am losing everything while everyone is moving ahead and away. i don't want to be left alone and stuck, but I don't want the change either. I just don't know anymore, I just want another life...I want a restart, I just want a end button.