I hate my own parents
Since I was young, my dad had always been living in another town for work purposes. I remember moving when I was 7 to where he was working but somehow, he moved back to the place we moved away from. When i was older, my mom told me that dad had promised to move his business to the new place we were at in a year and that was the reason we moved. But oh wells, things didnt turn out as planned. In the end, he was still always away from the family.
Things turned bad the next years. Throughout my primary school days, I can remember them shouting at each other, disrespecting each other, calling each other names, even to one point my mom asked me to lie that she is not home whenever he called. Thinking back, it was definitely not right of her to do that, to involve the children. The lesson I learnt, never, NEVER, to fight in front of your children. Even if things get better, those days will never, ever be forgotten. As i got older, I just learned to stay in my room, to block out what they were quarreling about. I even remember one time in primary six when my mom, as always, loved to exaggerate everything, and exaggerated what something I did and my dad scolded me badly for it. I remember hating him so much because he didnt care to ask, or clarify. If he was not home all these time, why scold me now, why come home and disrupt the peace in the house?! I hated him, so much.
There was another time, the night before my mom's birthday. My dad had just came home from the airport (he flew from the that other town he has his business at) and went to sleep. My mom, my brother and I celebrated my mom's birthday, quietly. Well, of course, my mom was the one who bought the cake and all but my dad was sleeping, upstairs. The next day, they had a fight. My mom was angry he didnt remember her birthday, he came to find my brother and I and was not happy why we didnt tell him about it, and yeah , you get me. But we werent thaaat close to you, and we were KIDS YO. Now, thinking back, i think it was kinda my mom's fault? since she could have just asked him to come downstairs and not be a whiny b**** since he has been that way and she knew it herself when she married him. So yeah, I just grew up in a complete family, but really, family? I see it as growing up quite well-off, with a mom and a dad but definitely not a reaally complete family, since dad's always not there.
I just hate how unplanned and messed up him life is. How we were in different places, how he didnt save up, how he just led a life without much planning. I hate that about him so much, SO MUCH. He was always following what other people do, what other people say. and he loves it when people praise him. YO GET A GRIP. okay more to say but i shall stop here.
MOving on, my mom. She, is just someone who dedicates her life to taking care of my brother and I. Of course, she may not be the best mom out there but, she loves us and I know it very well. But, well, im 23 and my brother is 26 but she just doesnt wanna let us grow. I hate it that she loves LOVES to be some famous mom. All she cared was whether the school had a high ranking, whether I could go to a good school, whether I can get a job at a well-known company and all that s***. What I really feel and think about, she just never really cared, or as I see it, maybe she does but I never felt it before. I just want her to ask me how I am doing, ya know, how I m doing in school, ask me about my friends my relationships. but to her relationships before I start wokr are stupid and meaningless. There are just so many stories I can tell but I ll just cut the story short, she has a freaking F****** Traditional MINDSET. If i have aguy friend, she'll start suspecting that he's my boyfreind and be all paranoid. CAN YOU STOP IT?! She loves to be all nosy, reading my letters, my diary, my sms, well i remember how she read my dad's sms *rolls eyes* YEAH you get it . when i want to tell her something, it'll end up either with her trying to "advice" me about it or her not listening and cutting me off, and telling her story so i just stopped trying. Now im 23, i never , ever, let her into my life, even if she tried. Im still trying my best to be a good daughter, but she will never understand me. When she tells me about how her friend's kid is nearly depressed or how my brother was not himself after entering army in a foreign land, or how another of her friend's kid was not happy with school and all, ill just react as if I have never felt that way, but behind all those smiles and laughter,there is just soooo much pain. Depression, emotional roller coasters, feeling low on self-esteem and confidence, feeling unwanted, feeling like i wanna just giveup, all these, I have definitely been there, if not still there but she will never know.She might just break into a million pieces if she finds out. People tell me to voice my feelings to her, to point out how pessimistic she is when she does that to me but, no way, after so long so being that way, it;s just not that easy.
In conclusion, I just have so much resentment for them, but I dont want them to be unhappy. So, what else can i do, but to just swallow the resentment? FInd other ways to destress. Cry when I want to. Smile when I can, because when i go home, i'll need to live behind that mask.
Love life. Be happy. Cheers.