ASPD

I am a sociopath and I have only just recently become self-aware of this fact. I am writing a drunken confession because the number of people I can discuss this with is so small. My career would be over if this ever got out, as I am a teacher and I quite enjoy my job. I keep a blog on the internet under an anonymous guise about my experiences as a person with ASPD.

It impacts every relationship I have ever had, every lover, every friendship. People are assets. People are evaluated on a scale of value and usefulness and I have very few and very stunted emotional attachments. I lack empathy and cannot feel pain or sorrow. I am a robot who is hollow and cruel and completely narcissistic.

I use people. I manipulate them. My spectrum of emotions is so narrow and I take pain killers if only to feel more dead and empty and numb than I do in every day life which reminds me that I am indeed capable of feeling something, no matter how miniscule.

I wish I could tell those people I value most about this. I wish someone could understand how my logic works but I know it is a risk I cannot take and will never take and I'm pretty sure these drunken outburts on the internet are the end all be all of it.

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  • dont be q****, if you were a sociopath you wouldnt care enough to post this

  • Hey there. My name is Keith, and I have also (over the past year) made the same self discovery as you mentioned here. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I'm currently engaging in my first (somewhat) successful relationship; and although I still struggle with both a lack of empathy (including the desire to make others feel pain), and manipulation, in retrospect, I've had some very "good" months over the last year. I'm not sure what the cause is; but for me, the treatment is a one day at a time kind of thing. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Regardless of the illness, we all have choices.

  • Since you're using the terminology and have a context on the procedures, I assume you've already entered the chain of treatment, whether or not you're still in it. I'll admit up front that not all therapies are successful and not all treatments are appropriate to the individual sufferer. But I will tell you that many DO work and many people are helped or saved by them. Nonetheless, you have to WANT the process to be productive in order for it to be productive, and since you used the phrase "I wish" in positive, hopeful ways at the end of your post, I think (my two cents) that there's a piece of you that wants the process to be productive.

    If you don't have a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist at present that you respect, that you can talk to, and that you're comfortable with, go find one. It needs to be someone that you look forward to seeing because you have the belief that what he or she is doing is of benefit. It needn't be a straight-upward graph-line of improvement in your condition (it won't be, because it can't be: the progress will be sporadic), but the person who's working with you needs to be somebody that inspires your confidence. And when you've done that, when you've taken that simple step, you'll have reached the hardest part. It's just turning lose of the reins. Because of your intellect, you think "I can fix this on my own", because that's been the course of your life: you've always succeeded at fixing things, or at manipulating people (including yourself) into believing that nothing was broken. But you can't fix this without assistance, and once you face that fact, and let somebody help, then things will, if not immediately TURN up, at least LOOK up.

    Know that what you're experiencing isn't irreparable. It's just irreparable in solitude, and once you've seen improvement in a therapeutic setting, the momentum will increase.

    I'm sure that's twelve-to-fifteen times more information than you were looking for, but there it is. Along with my wish for luck.

  • dumbass, the FBI runs this site...goof!

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