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I thought i could stop
I grew up a very lonely and awkward kid. I lived in 4 different states before I was in the 4th grade, I never had many friends as a result. I was skinny, had a huge head, and braces forever due to my horrendous buck teeth. I graduated high school rather short and still looked several years younger than my peers, that being said, I did in fact graduate high school a virgin. Fast forward several years, I finally grew into myself. I actually modeled for a while, acted in a few films and my social life finally came into its own. And the women finally noticed me after I had been noticing them all these years. Its beyond a ridiculous cliché but I can, at any time of day, text a woman and have her ** within the matter of a hour. I have a list of women at the current time, I just counted them on my phone, 17, that I "order" from and we meet up wherever. Their place, their office, their car, a hotel room, a friend of their's place. Some are married, most aren't, almost all but a few aren't attached. One even lives with her lesbian partner. Thing is, I'm married. My wife is my life, we have amazingly wonderful children, she is my world. I know for a fact I would quite literally die without her in my life. I dont' deserve her in any capacity, I'm a terrible husband for my secret numerous affairs, but I can't stop myself. For so long I wanted attention like this and now I'm getting it in spades. I want to stop, I sometimes go for months and then I catch myself texting a girl for a rendezvous and its like another person completely takes over. I know one day i'll get caught, I know for a fact i'll lose my family and I know i'll completely deserve it. Thing is, I think this risk just adds to the thrill of it all and sitting here thinking about that very fact completely horrifies and disgusts me. If it weren't for the children I honestly think I would commit suicide to save her from the pain of discovering what a complete ** her husband truly is. Then again, suicide seems quite selfish as well. I truly, truly hate me.
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