Biological clock ticking
I'm here because I have no where else to go, nobody to talk to about my deepest need. Every fiber of my body craves and demands a baby. I have two kids already and never felt this urge to have a baby. I thought I did but i didnt. I can't stop thinking about a baby, I feel incomplete without this baby, at night laying in bed I get phantom kicks in my stomach (but I can literally feel them when I put my hand on my stomach and "catch" them.
I have a long term of three years boyfriend that I was head over heels for. We owned a house and two businesses together and were financially stable enough to expand our family. I had been dealing with my baby needs secretly until I felt comfortable enough to approach my boyfriend about this two years into our relationship. It wasnt a spur of the moment decision for me. I'd been thinking about it 6 months prior to dropping it on the table. I came at him very genuinely, sincerely and gently. It was hard exposing myself with something that made me feel very vulnerable.
He rejected me in the most awful ways, with anger and spite and even called my parents (I'm 27 mind you) to tell them I'm wanting to get pregnant. Which is something I would have needed to sit down and work into a conversation with them about. He yelled at me and told me that he was too old to think about having baby's (this was last year and hes 44). He wants to travel an basically doesn't want to be tied down again now that his kids are almost grown. I understand completely. It devastated me and has torn my emotional well being to shreds. Further down the road in a fight he had said to me "I don't want a baby with you, I would have a baby with anybody BUT you!" To hurt me and it did.
I've never felt the same about him again. I couldn't get those feelings of happiness and head over heels in love again. I tried for a year more to get over it. Pictures of baby's tear me up, Im jealous of pregnant and new moms, I can't look at my Facebook feed when one of my friends is pregnant or has a new baby. I get sick to my stomach with sadness when anything baby related crosses my path.
I feel so incomplete without this baby. I feel like this baby is ingrained into me and I love him or her and they're not even more than a thought.
I want to leave my boyfriend over it even though I love him. I just feel like my needs and wants for a baby are never going to be fulfilled by him and I can't bare a lifetime with someone that didnt want to give me what I desperately needed from him.