The Night Before
About a year ago I met a guy on grindr and talked for about a week. We quickly exchanged numbers but only texted for about two weeks when I just stopped hearing back from him. I deleted his number eventually and forgot about him. Then, about a week ago, I spotted him on grindr again and reached out to him hoping to not get blocked. Like before, we quickly exchanged numbers and we actually talked on the phone for two nights in a row.
I told him I was interested in him and that was the truth. He wanted to finally meet up on Thursday night but I told him I couldn't do that and he got antsy and wanted to forget about me. I knew I was treading on thin ice at that point. Still, I let him know I was interested in him a lot.
Then we made plans for Friday night but I was too tired and it was cold and rainy. I was admittedly a bit reluctant to even stay over at his place where he lives with mainly women. Besides, in the cold rainy weather we were having, I would have to take at least two buses to get to him. He called and we chatted for a bit but I told him I couldn't make it. I had to rest since I hadn't really slept all week. I was stressed because I lost my job on Friday and had no way of paying mounting bills. Also on Friday, my brother was having a party and the walls are paper thin. I had to get out of the house but was not ready to stand out in bitter weather to catch two buses.
I ended up talking to a complete stranger who was able to drive to come get me and chill at his place and he said s** was not a must. I ended up at his place and got drunk and strung out on stuff. I had some control but it all became sexual once we were laying in bed. I didn't want any of it but it happened. It was the worst night of my life because I wanted to be with the guy I really cared about. By Saturday night, I finally decided to go and meet my crush. I let him know that my intentions were not sexual at all.
When I first met him, I felt so comfortable around him. We really hit it off. One thing I didn't notice until right before I left my house was a small hickey on my neck and I couldn't cover it up. So he and I talked and watched a movie and after a few beers, we cuddled in his room and talked all night. It was all I wanted to do with him. There was not s** involved although he made it very clear he wanted it. I resisted for our friendsip/potential relationship. The next morning we were at the computer together and he noticed a mark on my neck and asked me what it was, if it was just a birthmark or something that was just there. He asked so calmly and quickly and I responded the same way saying it was just something that was just there.
After I left his house that day, he texted me letting me know he liked me and would like to see more of me but that a relationship would come much later down the road.
Right now I can't do anything without thinking about how this guy is going to dump me in a heartbeat if I told him the truth. The hickey says I have to tell him something but if I try to smooth it over, it will be even more lies. The whole truth makes him disappear for good. I'm scared of losing him.
I've never done anything like this before. It's the second time in my life that I've felt this way about a guy who I actually connected with. We're not together or anything but I blew him off twice in one week and inadvertedly lied about a hickey.
The truth that I care as deeply as I told him I do will mean nothing.
what should I do?