You Have Poisoned Me
I am dying because of you. Literally dying. It's gradual. The medical community can't identify anything; they say I'm perfectly healthy. They can't see it, can't detect it, so I'm screwed. But every day, every morning, I'm woken up by this sick feeling, and it's progressing; it's gone from my stomach and my kidneys to my heart, and my head. I'm losing. Try whatever I might, nothing is getting rid of this, this mysterious illness you've f****** infected me with. How could they not detect anything? This isn't my imagination - it f****** HURTS. I tell you what: I wish I'd NEVER slept with you. It's proven to be the biggest mistake of my life. And I avoid telling you just because I don't want to hurt your feelings?! Seriously, what kind of idiot am I? How can I possibly have more regard for your feelings than I have for my very own life?! Because you're so damned fragile and cry at the drop of a hat--what f****** good does that do me when I'm feeling every day like I'm losing this fight with a f****** mystery illness?! You NEED TO KNOW THAT IF I DO DIE BECAUSE OF THIS, IT WILL BE ON YOUR HANDS. There'll be no meeting after this, in any f****** lifetime, if such things do exist. You do realize this means that you have been a poison to me?! No detection - maybe I'm not paying enough. Maybe if I were to pay a lot they'd find what this is, cuz I don't believe it, but apparently 8,000.00 plus isn't enough to detect the problem. MRI, CAT, X-RAY, blood tests, urine tests--nothing. NOTHING. What the F*** did you infect me with? You understand you've ruined my goal for this life? I work to get over the challenges of my life, rise to the top of that mountain to conquer, then only to have you come into my life and poison me? Easy as that. I should just stop talking to you, instead of giving a damn how you feel. I'M F****** DYING thanks to YOU!!!! Do you understand that?! I wouldn't wish what I've been feeling and experiencing in my body for over a year now upon ANYONE, not my worst enemy. NO ONE. It scares the s*** out of me. You came into my life to help, and yet without knowing it, supposedly, you have killed me. I don't want to know you beyond this lifetime (as I said, if there is such a thing as we've spoken about). Why did life put you in my path, or I in your path, whichever the case might be? I just wonder how much longer I have. I wish to god I knew what this was, or could find someone, somewhere, who could help me somehow. I keep trying. I won't give up. But I can't help the feeling that I've possibly reached the tipping point, and I have lost. Life is so precious. Sleeping with you may possibly have cost me my life. How on earth can this possibly be? A f****** mystery. How could I possibly love you after this, kind though you may be? What else can I do now, but only keep trying, and ultimately accept my fate, whatever it may be. God help me. But please, expect nothing more from me. I don't want you in my life, and I have to work up the courage to tell you this. You have brought a mysterious and lethal agent into my body, while in the very act of making love, and apparently thus far there is no detection, so there is no apparent cure. I remember the very moment I first felt it. I remember the horrible dreams that same night. The pains, the profoundly ill feelings, the nausea, dizziness, weakness that come and go regularly. I hope for the best. I pray for a cure, a healing, a resolution. I pray that I might live.