He just polished off a bottle of vodka and left.
My boyfriend told me that he perceives me as being an "unhappy person" and that I've changed a lot since we started dating. I flat out told him that yes, I was a happier person in the first few months of our relationship but asked him to evaluate why that is true. He has said and done extremely hurtful things to me, beating me down until I was a shell of the person I had been. This past year has been one of the most difficult periods of my life and I haven’t had the prettiest life. I informed him pretty early on that I had been sexually abused growing up and because of that I have intimacy issues. He then found out (through basically interrogating me for hours) that I slept with more people than he deemed appropriate. That’s when it all fell apart. The first couple months after that were the worst. He called me every name in the book, berated me, spoke down to me, and all but demanded absolute control over me and my body. I found naked pictures of myself on his phone that he had taken while I was sleeping. He told me point blank that he no longer saw me as a person, but rather an object that belonged to him. He has told me multiple times (including tonight) that he finds it impossible to feel anything romantic for me if on days that we don’t have s**. He doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me if he doesn’t think I will have s** with him that day. Then he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to.
I have had to rebuild myself again and again as he would either apologize and promise to change only to be hurtful all over again or, the few times I have tried to end the relationship, marched out into the field by our house with a gun in his hand saying he was “done living like this” and I had to chase him and beg him not to hurt himself. One night, tired of fighting, I locked myself in our bedroom, only for him to break the door down. I know that these are manipulative and dangerous behaviors but I don’t know how to separate myself from the situation at this point. He is leaving for the military in 26 days and I am so relieved for the break from it all. If it wasn’t for my career that I have worked so h****** I would pack up and run far away before he could come back. I know he doesn’t like me, even though he claims to still be in love me and that’s why “it’s worth suffering through our relationship”. I am hoping that while he’s gone he realizes that he doesn’t love me and decides to break things off himself. I don’t what will happen otherwise. I know that I’m exhausted and honestly, so disappointed in myself for letting it go on so long. I feel so weak and stupid. I try so hard to hold on to the good memories from before he turned into this person. I’ve never loved someone so much. I had never seen someone look at me with so much love in their eyes before him. I’m such an idiot for hoping that person will come back to me, but I find myself praying for it most nights. I miss him so much and it never stops hurting. What is wrong with me?