I can't ignore myself anymore

I've been ignoring painful topics and how I really feel about them for years. I'm in therapy now and one of the tasks I'm working on is articulating how I feel. This is a ramble, my thoughts might not sound finished. I have a very strong urge to share this because I just want someone world to know how I feel:

It's hard to be ok with my past self for leading me into the present I have today. Past me wasn’t thinking much at all about future me or if he was, it was in the realm of fantasy. ‘When I’m a millionaire. When I’m a world-famous author.’ I wasn’t thinking; 'How am I going to be happy with the me I see in the mirror next year? How am I going to be better today to make the me of the future improved?' I feel like it's going to take me years to dig myself out of this hole. That's if it's not too late. It hurts badly.

There is no rehearsal, life is life and you’re living it now. That scares me and it makes me angry too. Life is the most important thing in the world. We have rehearsals and practice for almost everything else on Earth, but not life itself. I feel embarrassed that I have wasted time behaving like ‘Oh this is just a rehearsal. I have all the time in the world to get my ** together and own a house and do this and do that.’ I don’t. No matter how much I want it to, no matter how much I think it is an injustice; life doesn’t work like that and it will never work like that. Life doesn’t give a f**k, it just goes on and never stops.

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