My shattered soul
Hi. My name is Alice. I am in my senior year of high school. I have a very loving and supporting single mom and I have a dad that I’ve never seen. I have a very big family. I have lots of aunts and uncles and I have lots of cousins too. I have a grandmother who’s about 80 years old. My mom works on a different country and she lives there too. And I am on the other side of the world. I barely see my mom. Sometimes I would visit her and mostly those times are the best times of my life.
I was young when I first experiences being molested. I had a cousin who lived with us, he was a lot older than me, I was 8 at that time. I was sleeping in my room and i felt something touching my thighs and legs. I woke up and saw him standing beside my bed, I quickly shouted at him, I asked him what he was doing inside my room and he said he was just going to borrow some hangers from my closet, and I asked him that if he was going to borrow hangers why is he standing right next to my bed when my closet was far from my bed and he responded with a “never mind I don’t need any”. I thought that was the last time but it wasn’t. It happened often. I barely sleep at night and I stayed up till morning because I was afraid.
It often happened, until I was 2 years older when he came into my room drunk and I was sleeping and so was my grand mother. She stood up because she heard a noise and she went outside and saw him drunk, he told grandmother to fetch him some water and she did, he quickly came inside my room and pinned me to my bed and started choking me, I remembered how he grabbed my neck and started to tightened his grip around it. I was crying and begging him to stop but he whispered to me “just one time alice, just one time allow me”. I started kicking him and he released me from his grip and I screamed and shouted for grandma to come and as soon as she comes she saw him beside me and I was crying and mortified about what just happened. She told him to get out and grandmother left me inside my room and never talked about the incident.
She didn’t care about what happened because he was her favourite grandson. She never talked to me about that evening. That’s when I hated her, I got mad and promised to forget she was ever my grand mother, I will never treat her like one and she will never ever feel my love again. Years passed and as my other cousins were growing—the same thing happened. I got really angry when my cousins told me about the things that happened to them. “It was often as possible,” my cousins told me crying. I went really mad when my grandmother who have heard of the story didn’t seem to care. She didn’t believed us. She acted like she was blind.
As I grew older I grew much anger towards them, towards the people who were supposed to be the one helping you but they weren’t. I am much older now and I still have nightmares about the happenings. I got traumas from it. I can’t seem to talk to my family because I am extremely mad at them. I told my aunt about it a couple of years ago but nothing changed.
As of now, I have a lot of anger inside of me, I have traumas that are ripping every part of my soul. It was never easy and it will never be easy to move on with life. Because of being molested it destroyed my entire life. I wish I could just erase it but I can’t and I hate it that I can’t because I honestly need it to be done and removed from my soul because it hurts badly when flashbacks of moments I don’t want to remember flashes in my mind at times. It destroys me when stories I read are somehow like mine— one sad and traumatic story. But eventually, I know inside me, I will be fixed but not mended, recovered but still with scars, and how bad can that be? If it makes life easier and make the pain go away then I will try to be strong.
To every girl who has been sexually abused or molested, you are not alone. It hurts but the pain will slowly lessen until all you have left are the scars. It is hard but trust me, be strong. Choose to be a survivor not a victim. You are strong.