Self harm

I've been self harming for a few years. I've always kept a pretty tight handle on it but still, I got addicted. It's so hard to stop.
I started with just tiny cuts on my thighs with a pocket knife that healed up perfectly.
Then I switched to disposable razors but i didnt take the blades out. As a deterrent from causing real damage.
Then i switched to a hunting knife a year and a half ago. That's when my mom found out. For her, I quit for almost three months with only one little relapse in that time. It was horrible. That's when I realized that I was addicted. I found all of the most ideal places to cut without it being noticed. I burned myself and exercised until I wanted to cry.
I broke apart disposable razors and started using those blades on my ankles because my mother would never check there. It was humiliating to have her make me strip to check, but she kept my secret so I endured without complaint.
She stopped checking.
Now I cut pretty often. I tried to stop for just a week and I was so high-strung that I could barely function.
It doesn't even feel like I need it that badly until I try to stop.
I just like doing it. It helps. But now from my hips to about six inches below them, all of the skin is scar tissue. It doesn't even hurt very much to cut there anymore.
I've gotten really good at it, though. You'd be shocked to see how long it too me to be able to make cuts deep enough to bleed for hours.
There's something satisfying about it.
I wish that I could show people without them thinking I'm disgusting, but it is kind of gross. I admit that.
I use alcohol on all of my blades and on my skin before and after cutting. Only got them infected once and that was because the girl I take care of needed me to get into a public pool and I had fresh cuts. it really out of hand?
How badly do I really need to stop?
I'm so confused and I just needed to vent. Sorry.

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  • Pain is calming. I put clamps on my t***. There is this constant pain. That distracts from stress. When i take the clamps off there is a huge increase in pain and then a huge wave of relief just washes over me

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