Good girl gone bad

I have been with my bf over 2 years and it has been such a roller-coaster ride! A lot of good times, but TONS of bad times. The beginning was so wonderful. I fell madly in love! He is sooo attentive and handsome and makes me feel beautiful. But as time went on, I've discovered his dark sides. He would drink and become a monster. And he is extremely jealous and insecure. I can't breathe because he always thinks I'm doing something. I would kiss the ground he walks on to keep him from fighting with me. I was constantly trying to prove myself even though I had never done anything wrong! I have dealt with some suspicious things.. i have found a womans bra in my drawer at his place, i found his ex gfs nudes he saved, he has been caught with "friends" texting in the middle of the night, he joked with a married female friend about sending nudes, he went on a "guy trip" to the beach and i discovered a photo of them with him hugged up on some woman! He has an excuse for every single thing. And him continuing to treat me like a queen is what made me give him the benefit of the doubt. We remained together and i thought we were over that part. But worse things came along....he became abusive.... he has choked me, hit me, broke bones, tossed me like a rag doll and was always sorry. I then began to resent him... so much that i found a new friend of my own at work. It started out harmless. He made me laugh and forget my chaotic home life. He was smart, attractive and had a good career. He was nowhere near my type so i thought nothing of it. Until we began to meet at bars outside of work.. we always had such a great time! I got to see different sides of him. And i began to open up to him about things i had faced. I know my bf acted like he wanted me so bad, but i didnt feel ** anymore. I didnt feel adventurous.. so i looked to this friend for that small spark in my life. One night, we got way too drunk and ended up spending the night together. Of course the inevitable happened. And as bad as i felt, i wanted it just as much! The fact that my bf had gotten away with every thing and i was so good all this time made my bad actions feel worth it! I felt he deserved to be cheated on. I ended up finding strength from this friend and left my bf. I felt like a new person. But then he moved away. I was hurt... and now im back with my ex. Things been better once we reconciled. He still doesnt know about my infidelity and i dont know for sure about his. We are a horrible mess and we will never trust each other. But we are so attached! If my friend came back for me, i would run off with him in a heartbeat.. I kind of get a kick out of thinking about the wrong ive done.. nobody would ever suspect it and i love it!

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