Overthinking is an illness
Im one of those narcissists or narcissist like, I guess. I dont know where to seek help.
I boy I love has left me, evoking my long buried trust issues and confidence issues. I had developed those during my first ever heartbreak. It took me years before I healed my broken heart, and buried my issues. Then I became me again. Very confident and fun to be around girl. But... couple years later I met my second major heartbreak. I've had some breakups before, bad and less bad, I've dealt with those okay. But when someone sets you apart in pieces, it takes loads of time to go back to normal again. For me, this venture has been hard because the boy who broke my heart and trust, decided to actively stay in my life as 'a friend'. Dear people round the world, DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF. Because I loved him, and because I wanted him, and because I missed him and all, I thought it would be okay if he stays in my life as a friend. I was wrong. He went on with his life and I was stuck with my memories and with him as 'a friend'. We would text each other now and then. For me that was huge. Sometimes he would put me on hold and not talk to me for days, weeks. He would go about his life, I suppose. And then after like a month when he needs something or someone to talk to, he writes. Those days are particularly difficult for me. I breathe in despair waiting for his 'maybe message'. Pathetic.
So, the last time when he put me on hold, he didn't write for a week. And after full 7 days, I deactivated all my social media and changed my phone number. There are two things he can do, either e-mail me or find some of my friends to reach out trough them. I don't think he will do any of that. And it doesn't matter anyway. The point is, 20 minutes after I cut of the channels, I felt such a relief and peace. Inner peace. Like I gave up on something big, and the stone fell off of my shoulders. I still think about him all the time, I still miss him every minute. I still... you know. But its a bit easier.
But then I read in the therapy posts (I've been reading a lot of those so I would figure out how to help my self) about this "silent treatment" that people impose on each other as a revenge. Or something like it. If fear my disappearance looks pretty much like it... I thought maybe I should activate the communication channel and explain to him why I need to do this. So that this stop being a silent treatment, and turns into a retreat as it should have been in the first place. But time has passed by. I've already been away for almost a month. Im doing good. Well, good more or less. But Im not falling apart every day, and thats big too.
And honestly, Im terrified of talking to him again. I suppose Im here not so much for an advice but for some sort of encouragement that I so desperately need. Someone to tell me that its ok to disappear like that, and not be...
I so terribly miss him. That too.