What it's like to be ugly

I have always known I was ugly.
From the time I was an infant not one person spared me. No one failed to remind me of all I lacked.

After I was born, my grandmother used to say my nose looked like it had been run over by a train.
She and father used to say my eyes were too squinty, too small, too Asian.

By school age, I was too dark skinned and reminded to stay indoors. I rebelled!
I cherished my childhood in the sun. I discovered running and it gave me a sense of freedom and happines nothing else could.
My father, grandmother, and the extended family would often complain about my darkened skin. Whenever I took a bath, I would scrub myself raw to wipe away the guilt and shame.

On a usual trip to school, I experienced the first remark about my appearance from another student. He was a few years older and Korean. He was desperately trying to impress the American girl that sat beside me. So he announced I was ugly and he would never want me.
He emphasised how she was more his taste. I was 9 years old.
I was far too immature to understand the gravity of his words back then. However, it did make me feel very small.

By the time I turned 11, school took my father's place in regular taunts. The children never let me forget how hideous I was. I tried to be logical about it. I reasoned with myself that it didn't matter how I looked. "I've come to school to for an education not for a fashion show!"

Unfortunately, even other girls proceeded to humiliate me in the P.E. change rooms. While I have always been classified as underweight, somehow, I was deemed fat in this very change room. For the first time in my life, I went home and stared at myself in the mirror. I took a long hard look to prove to myself there's no way I was fat. I pulled at ever bit of skin I had. I could not understand why everyone called me ugly.
How could I stop it?
Could I even help how I looked?
How could I change?
Why was I cursed with this face and this body?
These questions raced through my mind. I told myself to accept my fate. Besides no medical professional would agree to any cosmetic procedures on a preteen.
I ate my own weight in chocolate that day and threw up from overeating. I never had a food binge again. But I discovered eating made me feel safe and secure.

Ugly and fat were routinely hurled at me from boys well into secondary school. Along with colourful phrases such as "eww" and "gross". I'm not sure why I was subjected to all these rejections given I never made any advances or overtures. I had zero interest in anyone. My standing theory is other people would tease whatever boy took pity on me. Even if we were innocently playing chess, someone would insinuate there were ulterior motives. The boy would immediatrly recoil and rattle off a slew of insults.

One of my worst memories to date would be that of a university friend. I finally thought I had managed to find decent friends.
I grew comfortable and came to peace. One evening, we had decided to go out for sushi.
A mutual friend made the mistake in calling this friend by my name. She was incredulous. The mutual friend tried to explain we were both around the same height, weight, and had the same hair colour. She proceeded to say there was absolutely no way she looked like me and that it was insulting that anyone could ever mistake us for one another.
I was devastated. At the time, she was my closest friend. I naively assumed she thought well of me.
I did the most pathetic thing possible and told her if it had been the other way around I would have been happy. I walked away from that "friendship" over some other unspeakable things.

Lately, I've been seeing someone- my first real boyfriend. About a week ago he reminded me why I should have remained single.
Who could ever love me? After all, I'm ugly. During a heated argument he decided to put my physical defects on full display. Everything from my hair, eyes, nose, teeth, to my private parts.

Objectively, I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I think I'm average. However, due to society's exacting standards on women, it would be impossible for me to be considered remotely attractive.

Tonight, I made a vow to myself.
I have decided to be alone.
I am never going to be intimate with anyone ever again. I do not want to be haunted by these memories anymore. I don't want to have crippling fear and anxiety that comes with trying to be considered attractive to others.
I don't want to be judged by my appearance only to be debased at a later date. This would be implausible in the dating game and in relationships.

I wish to be free of these restraints and at peace with myself. I might by ugly to others but at least I can be happy alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

41 Comments

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  • My partner is hot, six pack abs, very sweet and kind. We've been together 8 years. Me, not so much - chubby, freckled, thin hair, etc. Yeah, I've been made made fun of too. However, I kayak, dance, ride horses, volunteer, have friends, read, etc. Years ago when I was lamenting my looks and questioning why a certain guy liked me, a friend told me - "Look, some people are only attracted to midgets. When someone likes you, don't question it - just go with it." The best advice I have ever received! Plus, I don't expect men to be perfect. I have had great boyfriends of all sizes, heights, ages, fitness levels, skin tones, etc. Skip the bars and DO WHAT YOU ENJOY!
    P.S. - Benefits of being ugly: you never have to wonder if someone likes you for your looks; I have some wonderful female friends; you become incredibly self sufficient - no guy ever offered to change a tire for me; as you age it's no big deal as you have nothing to lose, and the invisibility has been rather cool at times, no invisibility cloak needed!

  • That's the way the cookie crumbles sister. You wanna listen to people and their s*** talk. 1. lose weight! 2. Get plastic surgery. - problem solved. Oh, and 3. ignore what people say, don't take what people say to heart. People chat s***, some of them don't look too hot themselves and they are quick to judge someone on their appearance without looking in a mirror.

  • Dammmmn, you f****** uuuuuugly!

  • I DON'T think you should have gone through ALL what you've gone through.., I however feel that you are inclined to further "mistreat" yourself by becoming reclusive.
    Here is the deal.., you write with passion and feelings just like any other "beautiful" woman would.., why the heck is that wrong???
    It is your innermost beauty that matters and not what is exhibited externally.., you are human and you deserve a companion..!!
    DON'T give up, yor prince will walk into your life soon!!!

  • You one butt ass ugly m*********!

  • She's nowhere near as ugly as the beast inside of you, to say something like that. I hope your children are stillborn.

  • I'm telling someone what they already know, you are wishing death on a child, and I'm the monster? Look in the mirror b**** if you want see a true evil, c***.

  • What would you do if someone became romantically interested in you precisely because of the features you deem as "ugly"? Would you, could you accept that?

  • Good question.

  • Please ignore all the negative comments here. They come from people who are truly ugly.

  • You f****** people are stupid. Can no one see a bullshit story when it's right in front of them. No wonder there are so many con artist out there. People are f****** dumb.

  • Including yourself :)

  • Unlike you, I have a brain and a c*** that I was using to f*** your momma in the ass.

  • Jog on now, you degenerate cretin :)

  • Jogging right on over to yo momma house. B**** gonna suck my d*** :)

  • You don't understand the expression "jog on" because it's not an American term. So shut the f*** up!

  • Yo momma still sucking my d***

  • At least you don't have an ugly heart x

  • Like you, you f****** s*** for brains x

  • Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it x

  • I will start off by saying I'm a guy. I always considered myself ugly although now I feel it more on the inside than the out. Let me tell you something. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is no such thing as beauty because it is all relative. There are societies that consider things beautiful and sough after that others consider hideous. Don't let one stupid immature guy's reaction ruin the chance of happiness you deserve. You sound like a beautiful person and someone I wish I knew in person.

  • Yeh my ovaries and uterus are a waste of dna junk unappreciated unused organs due to ugliness. i can have kids but no man wants me but uglies.

  • Don't judge yourself on others putting you down on here, they might have illness and I do too but you have a right to honor your hurt and your life experience. today what is ugly now was once pretty and those girls got guys easy in the 1940s or 50s or 60s and most of those models from back then now would be complete ugly. because prettiness has become a very fixed limited exclusive linear image of long nose, big eyes and big lips and blonde hair and make up only a certain KK way. its not anything else. if you look like a bratz doll your hot but if you look like twiggy or fat or no make up you are ugly labelled. and also clothing sizes have changed and what was normal years ago is grossly fat now.

  • I understand how you feel, I was abused as a child by ugly men and always believed it was because I was ugly and I hate my body more now then ever, I don't look in the mirror cuz I hate what I see and just don't want to f*** when I feel grossly ugly and fat and worthless, like I have always thought love and good romance and jobs and money are just for the beautiful people, the real people and lucky and rich. not for the ugly. being ugly you feel unreal, alien, and people don't mind telling you you can't do this cuz you're ugly and short or too thin and short, or your ugly hair or fat, never felt good enough and when I did I met people to confirm the opposite opinion - that i was s*** anyway. oh to be like the real people and the pretty popular girls getting marriage and jobs and being liked and looking glamour and everyone liking you wanting to be around you. and when people give a compliment of "you're a beautiful person" and you feel so disgusting that is worse then anything mean. cuz you know they are lying.

  • Cry me a f****** river and shut the f*** up you stupid ass. Anyone who believes this bullshit is f****** retarded too. You expect me to believe you comprehend that you were ugly as an infant? Or that you understood what your grandmother said after you were born. You are the next f****** Albert Einstein if that is the case. Write your bullshit someplace else.

  • No one "expects" you to believe or do anything at all. And anyone who does "expect" something from you will be sorely disappointed. Why? Because you have nothing to offer. You know it. I know it. And now, everyone who drops by here will know it, too. You are a very sad little creature with nothing to offer, and a life without meaning. Goodbye.

  • And everyone will know that you are just as f****** stupid and as the liar who wrote this post. Maybe in your next life you will grow some f****** brains instead of believing every bullshit post some jackwagon puts on the internet. Of course you could be the bullshit liar who posted this line of crap.

  • I'm sorry you don't believe me. But my own parents and grandmother continuously relayed the story of my birth and first few years of life of to me. So I am well aware of how they feel.

  • Thanks so much for proving my point. Sayonara, loser.

  • Unlike you, I'm not as retarded and gullible. I can actually read and think for myself instead of following the lemmings to the cliff. Did you miss the part where they said they understood what was being said after they were born? Or do you just believe this person is a f****** miracle and should have been a member of Mensa right after birth?
    I guess it is possible that you are in fact the OP and are just p***** because I called you on your bullshit story. Either way, I dont give a s*** because you are f****** stupid.

  • I really like it when I make your blood pressure rise like ^this^. Because it's conceivable you could actually die from it. That would make us all H*A*P*P*Y!

  • Ha, jokes on you. Know what a troll is? L****!!!!!

  • You! Lol!!!!!!!!

  • That's right n****

  • Idiot

  • Don't make me c** in your mother's mouth.

  • Be glad you weren't born with spinal scoliosis.

  • I agree count the blessings rather then imperfections. have a cry and love yourself its the only body you will have. and looks are not everything. heaps of pretty girls don't get the guys, I see some fat ugly bitchy dogs with hot hot model guys and you think "how did he end up with that ugly bitchy thing, she must have drugged him and raped him" because they are not nice people even.

  • I am so utterly saddened by your situation, though I must say I am incredibly impressed by your exceptional candor and your level of articulate expression. I wish I were able to lift your burden from you, and carry it away. You don't deserve the treatment you've received, and I'm so so so sorry you've received it. There are dozens -- hundreds -- of things I could say, but I think that, in the place you're in right now, you would likely dismiss them all. How do I know that? Because my experiences were much like yours. I don't know what age you are now, but I believe this. With your sensitive soul, and your awareness of how even a casual remark can injure permanently, one of two outcomes -- or both -- will prevail for you. The first is that you will become a voice for, and source of comfort to, the downtrodden in your world. You will be that for those who think there is only darkness available to them, wherever they turn, and that no one will care enough to reach out to them and offer light. You will reach out to them, encourage them, and brighten their lives. And the fact that you have been where they are -- that you have lived where they are -- will give you an authority and a personal connection to them that they've not experienced before. You may not save lives in the classical Florence Nightingale sense (although you may), but you will save lives from the horrors of self-imposed and needless isolation and loneliness. Solitude, in small doses, is a wonderful thing, but it is not -- it cannot be -- a life. And you will show people how and why to step out of their own darkness, and you'll lead them. The second is that you will grow out of the sorrow and separation you're experiencing now, and when you think there is no one for you to partner with, your partner will appear and see you for who you really are, for the person who wrote the stirring post above. My guess? You will do both. And you will be -- and you will generate -- "happy".

  • Thanks for your kind words. It does give me some hope that there are some nice people out there :)

  • Im so sorry, the people who surround you are disgusting and are only teasing you because of their own insecurities.They are drones to society and follow what ever people say like sheep in a flock.

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