What it's like to be ugly

I have always known I was ugly.
From the time I was an infant not one person spared me. No one failed to remind me of all I lacked.

After I was born, my grandmother used to say my nose looked like it had been run over by a train.
She and father used to say my eyes were too squinty, too small, too Asian.

By school age, I was too dark skinned and reminded to stay indoors. I rebelled!
I cherished my childhood in the sun. I discovered running and it gave me a sense of freedom and happines nothing else could.
My father, grandmother, and the extended family would often complain about my darkened skin. Whenever I took a bath, I would scrub myself raw to wipe away the guilt and shame.

On a usual trip to school, I experienced the first remark about my appearance from another student. He was a few years older and Korean. He was desperately trying to impress the American girl that sat beside me. So he announced I was ugly and he would never want me.
He emphasised how she was more his taste. I was 9 years old.
I was far too immature to understand the gravity of his words back then. However, it did make me feel very small.

By the time I turned 11, school took my father's place in regular taunts. The children never let me forget how hideous I was. I tried to be logical about it. I reasoned with myself that it didn't matter how I looked. "I've come to school to for an education not for a fashion show!"

Unfortunately, even other girls proceeded to humiliate me in the P.E. change rooms. While I have always been classified as underweight, somehow, I was deemed fat in this very change room. For the first time in my life, I went home and stared at myself in the mirror. I took a long hard look to prove to myself there's no way I was fat. I pulled at ever bit of skin I had. I could not understand why everyone called me ugly.
How could I stop it?
Could I even help how I looked?
How could I change?
Why was I cursed with this face and this body?
These questions raced through my mind. I told myself to accept my fate. Besides no medical professional would agree to any cosmetic procedures on a preteen.
I ate my own weight in chocolate that day and threw up from overeating. I never had a food binge again. But I discovered eating made me feel safe and secure.

Ugly and fat were routinely hurled at me from boys well into secondary school. Along with colourful phrases such as "eww" and "gross". I'm not sure why I was subjected to all these rejections given I never made any advances or overtures. I had zero interest in anyone. My standing theory is other people would tease whatever boy took pity on me. Even if we were innocently playing chess, someone would insinuate there were ulterior motives. The boy would immediatrly recoil and rattle off a slew of insults.

One of my worst memories to date would be that of a university friend. I finally thought I had managed to find decent friends.
I grew comfortable and came to peace. One evening, we had decided to go out for sushi.
A mutual friend made the mistake in calling this friend by my name. She was incredulous. The mutual friend tried to explain we were both around the same height, weight, and had the same hair colour. She proceeded to say there was absolutely no way she looked like me and that it was insulting that anyone could ever mistake us for one another.
I was devastated. At the time, she was my closest friend. I naively assumed she thought well of me.
I did the most pathetic thing possible and told her if it had been the other way around I would have been happy. I walked away from that "friendship" over some other unspeakable things.

Lately, I've been seeing someone- my first real boyfriend. About a week ago he reminded me why I should have remained single.
Who could ever love me? After all, I'm ugly. During a heated argument he decided to put my physical defects on full display. Everything from my hair, eyes, nose, teeth, to my private parts.

Objectively, I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I think I'm average. However, due to society's exacting standards on women, it would be impossible for me to be considered remotely attractive.

Tonight, I made a vow to myself.
I have decided to be alone.
I am never going to be intimate with anyone ever again. I do not want to be haunted by these memories anymore. I don't want to have crippling fear and anxiety that comes with trying to be considered attractive to others.
I don't want to be judged by my appearance only to be debased at a later date. This would be implausible in the dating game and in relationships.

I wish to be free of these restraints and at peace with myself. I might by ugly to others but at least I can be happy alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

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