Food, weight, abuse, lack of femininity, desire for revenge

I have a double mind. I do want men to talk to me when sane, and when I am really angry, I would rather they found me ugly. The latter usually happens anyway. I am 200 lbs., 5'1/2'', 51 years old, never-married for obvious reasons, blunt, female, possessing a physics degree, MBA and law degree. With most U.S. men, that is more than enough reason to stay away. The weight makes getting my dream, black belt in tae kwon do, harder to get. I need to grow a brain and lose some weight, but I remember and want revenge on my folks for the never-ending abuse on the subject growing up. They cannot shut up when I am around them. It is always something. I only see them on Christmas. I cannot have revenge. Living your best life is the closest thing. I am not satisfied with my life, and I do not think I can recover. I doubt that I even can marry. I am fat, blunt, angry and over 50. I guess I do not want to discover the truth of my beliefs if I lost the weight. I would rather be uncertain with the weight on. I would rather not know. That is why I have so little curiosity anyhow. My squishy body armor (fat) keeps me away from relationships. It is safer that way. So many men lie and cheat. I almost married one at 29. I was thinner then.

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  • People CAN change! You can choose to face those fears...and when you do, when you find yourself making even the slightest progress, you will feel yourself finding/taking your own power to have the life you want!

  • I starve my gf. If she eats without my permission I punish her. Keeps her skinny.

  • It’s not the weight or the age. It’s your defeatist attitude. Lots of men like full figure mature women. You appear quite intelligent as well. Ask yourself if you would even accept a man who likes you as you are.

  • Type in youtube "I have no friends" its really interesting, or "why I left university or college" or "I resigned from my job" so many people give up and are happier for it because you will just be expected to work fast and long and die young in work. once you turn 25 or 30 no one wants you for work or relationships. and if you say your getting none (ie as in s** or work) people just won't like you and will pass you up. when was the last time someone asked a celibate chick waiting or mr right to go on a date with them without any stress to it or expecting s**? see the girls who give up s** are more likely to value the s** over the ones that just keep getting married all the time and have s** with heaps of men. people think crying in s** means real love it doesn't, that is just how worthless that person feels and just having s** for sad rape and sicko stuff is a waste of time too and most people are unemotional or only emotional when their feelings have been hurt but that don't equal true love. real love is not always painful, just like all rapes don't just happen in underground car parks at night or being pushed into bushes in the dark paths at night. rape is real for most women. why worry about love when you can have a pretend friend and everything is about self care in therapy today.

  • Law degrees are a dime a dozen now, and 75% of university graduates will never work and a lot drop out because of stress and money and relationships and jobs etc. you will find putting millions into education or on a loan is not worth it anymore. the people who have the jobs are not letting anyone get ahead and they won't give them up. so why bother be a drop out and enjoy life there is more to life then working and career and degrees and relationships.

  • Its best to focus on you. I did a law degree another way and never told anyone and the direction will come when your mind opens to new things. don't focus on the bad of others rotting at you. that is there s*** and garbage not yours. no matter what you got to make the next 20 or more years of life about you and enjoy it and not about the people who hurt you continue to hurt you. I would get off the internet for a while. don't post anything on sites for a while, get rid of all your fb accounts etc so people can't get into your space and time and then come back slowly like on annon sites now and then. use the net for entertainment and education and fun not for revenge other then via the legal authorities and if they can't help you then move and start new somewhere else and a holiday alone sometimes just going a nice place can help you get lost to find the other better you inside of you. that's what I did. I have family but as for men sworn off them. men are rubbish today cuz the women are rubbish as well. if you have morals you are gonna stand out like a sore thumb and probably be more alone than not. intelligent people have fewer friends and relationships. love is temporary but like as the song says "diamonds are forever, so too is herpes" so love aint worth all the illnesses like mono, and everything else to hiv and worry and if you do get lucky and find someone do it on holiday and don't tell anyone. no one. not even your closest family or parents.

  • Stay single and get some cats. It's safer.............

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