Here I wait to die, it may be a while, may I suggest a beverage?

Nothing makes me feel more guilty than knowing the only reason I’m alive despite my depression is my own fear of tactile pain. I’m not physically numb, I’m emotionally numb. Even my depression is messed up and doesn’t fit the standard.

I'm too boring to date.

My social life has deteriorated to where my best friend is a guy on Discord that I've never actually met in person, lives a full continent away, and I doubt has any desire to actually meet me. Can't talk to him about this without causing his depression to grow. I'm doing all I can to help him through his troubles, and the guilt here is that I think I'm helping him not to make myself a good person, but to make myself feel like one for brief fleeting moments before the inevitable return to worthlessness.

I'm a computer geek, a Star Trek Nerd who fears talking about it even to other fans because I can't stand any of the new versions...or the oldest one. I'm a picky little p****.

At the office, I'm the night guy who uses fake enthusiasm, and a goofy attitude to hide how shriveled and dead I am inside. When asked how I am, I'm "Fantastic!". I'm a master of going off into excessive overthought and detail when someone asks me how my weekend was, because I know it will stop them from asking questions that I dare not answer.

ie. "How was your weekend?" - "It was awesome, I stayed home and got a lot done, then went out for a drive, visited (nearby city), and spent some time finally organizing the trunk of my car because you know how when you're driving and everything shifts around, well I went out and got one of those trunk organizers, fairly cheap at the dollar stor-...oh, you should probably answer that" (When I don't want them to ask any details: I stayed home and watched youtube all day, what I got done was laundry, my drive was to a grocery store, the trunk organizer is true but I did that months ago, and I fail to mention how I spent half the weekend trying and failing to distract myself from wanting to die)

I am one of god's own prototypes. Too worthless to live, to lazy and cowardly to die. Hiding my mediocrity behind a goofy finish.

But I'm not supposed to feel bad. People have it worse than I, I have a car, I have most of my health, I live in a popular major city in safe country, and I have no debt. I should be s******* happiness! How DARE I feel bad. I am broken, damaged, and wrong.

My only virtues are that If I claim to care about you, I really do, and that I make decent money...if you can really call that a virtue. But if I can't say that these alone would make someone else a wonderful friend/lover/person/employee...then what hope have I?

And yet the chances of things getting better by more than a small anomalous amount is beginning to feel like worse odds than being felated by a unicorn while winning the lottery.

Jan 8, 2020

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  • Mate I feel for you.

    I hate being alone.
    I hate feeling down.

    People say "how was your weekend" and I can lie and smile and say "great" or I can tell the truth "I was home alone and feeling lonely. I know I should have gotten off my ass and gone out somewhere anywhere and tried to meet some people but I felt so dam depressed and had no energy so I stayed home all f****** weekend on my own"
    And then I know I have one fewer person who will want to talk to me.
    So I smile and say "I had a nice weekend thanks"

  • Have one good last night of drinking Saki and than end your life, only do it in the dawn and look at the sun one last time and badly blind yourself, than end your life so you make sure you do not see your misery no more. See no evil, hear no evil. Be sure it’s in the heart, the heart will explode in one microsecond and no more pain or suffering.

  • In amidst the pandemic, Might be the best time too, most won't notice me amogst the statistics.

  • Same person here , don’t end your life, that is selfish. Rather do something much better, end the life of your abusers and tormentors. Kill them slow and painfully and make them scream so loud that their great grandparents will hear them in H-e-l-l. Than go to jail and do not make any regrets about it. You will be famous and lots of women will want you in prison. Do it, it will be all right to end the life of your abusers and tormentors, it will be lots of fun to murder them so slowly and painfully. Go on do it, don’t be Chicken and let them get away with it.

  • There is nothing more selfish that telling someone that ending their pain is selfish.

  • NOT the same person: Get back on your meds. Or end your own edgelord life, you won't be missed

  • Thanks for the advice. Plans are in place.

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