I'm losing weight

I have been losing weight. I'm down 35 pounds and I feel so much lighter on my feet, no more knee pain, more energy. I feel great! I am getting healthier, but I am miserable. This is not what I want. I want to be fat. I chose to be fat. I gained over 100 lbs on purpose. I went from chubby to fat to morbidly obese and I still wanted more. I stuffed myself relentlessly to grow my belly so fat it hung down to my thighs. Its barely grazing them now. My moobs are down to barely handfuls, my thick thunder thighs that used to strain my pant legs are slimmed down and have lost most of the lumpy cottage cheese look I loved. My ass is still pure cellulite, but its shrinking too. I am fitting into some booths again, my hips no longer hurt from the way my huge gut forced my legs apart when I sat. I miss the feeling of all the extra weight and the fullness of the fat. I feel like parts of me are missing from all over - my arms, my face, even the back of my neck. I am still classified as obese and my body lacks any muscle tone. I am soft and flabby everywhere, but I feel deflated.

I need to make a choice. Keep losing weight and get healthy or start forcing all of the worst possible foods down my throat again to gain it all back and hopefully add even more? I never got as fat as I wanted and I feel like I have unfinished business. Like I owe it to myself to at least reach my goals before losing all this hard earned blubber.

I know if I start gaining again I will be doing irreparable harm to my already damaged body. I am aware of how unhealthy I was and I felt it was only getting worse as the pounds piled on. I was sweaty and out of breath at the slightest exertion, but it only meant I was getting where I wanted. I knew I was ruining my body, so the struggles only turned me on. I also know that when I reach my fatness goals I will only set new ones. It will be never enough. I am an addict.

I know if I keep losing, my health will improve, my back pain will go away, I will be able to go up stairs or tie my shoes without losing my breath. I will live longer. I will also always wonder what if. What if I really went for it? How fat could I get? 400 lbs was an attainable goal before. Would I make it? Would I reach 500? How low would my belly hang? Could I get it down to my knees? Would I reach immobility? Do I want to?

I am torn. Do I do what is right by societal standards and what I know is better for my health or do I follow the burning inside to feed, the never ending hunger and l*** for MORE, the yearning to grow softer, lazier, and heavier until my body just gives up?

Mar 8, 2020

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