I'm losing weight

I have been losing weight. I'm down 35 pounds and I feel so much lighter on my feet, no more knee pain, more energy. I feel great! I am getting healthier, but I am miserable. This is not what I want. I want to be fat. I chose to be fat. I gained over 100 lbs on purpose. I went from chubby to fat to morbidly obese and I still wanted more. I stuffed myself relentlessly to grow my belly so fat it hung down to my thighs. Its barely grazing them now. My moobs are down to barely handfuls, my thick thunder thighs that used to strain my pant legs are slimmed down and have lost most of the lumpy cottage cheese look I loved. My ass is still pure cellulite, but its shrinking too. I am fitting into some booths again, my hips no longer hurt from the way my huge gut forced my legs apart when I sat. I miss the feeling of all the extra weight and the fullness of the fat. I feel like parts of me are missing from all over - my arms, my face, even the back of my neck. I am still classified as obese and my body lacks any muscle tone. I am soft and flabby everywhere, but I feel deflated.

I need to make a choice. Keep losing weight and get healthy or start forcing all of the worst possible foods down my throat again to gain it all back and hopefully add even more? I never got as fat as I wanted and I feel like I have unfinished business. Like I owe it to myself to at least reach my goals before losing all this hard earned blubber.

I know if I start gaining again I will be doing irreparable harm to my already damaged body. I am aware of how unhealthy I was and I felt it was only getting worse as the pounds piled on. I was sweaty and out of breath at the slightest exertion, but it only meant I was getting where I wanted. I knew I was ruining my body, so the struggles only turned me on. I also know that when I reach my fatness goals I will only set new ones. It will be never enough. I am an addict.

I know if I keep losing, my health will improve, my back pain will go away, I will be able to go up stairs or tie my shoes without losing my breath. I will live longer. I will also always wonder what if. What if I really went for it? How fat could I get? 400 lbs was an attainable goal before. Would I make it? Would I reach 500? How low would my belly hang? Could I get it down to my knees? Would I reach immobility? Do I want to?

I am torn. Do I do what is right by societal standards and what I know is better for my health or do I follow the burning inside to feed, the never ending hunger and l*** for MORE, the yearning to grow softer, lazier, and heavier until my body just gives up?

Mar 8, 2020

Related Posts

17 Comments

  • newest
  • most popular
  • oldest
  • How big are you now? I'd love to hear an update from you, but no pressure~

  • Somehow I knew this “losing weight” thread would do a 180 and become a massive gaining one. No criticism, as this reflects my personal journey and reinforces my daily behavior. Keep feeding, gaining, and confessing

  • I really didn't know which way I would go. I never wanted to lose weight. It just happened, but I also saw it as an opportunity to change things and get healthy. As much as i know that was the right choice, i still had to fight it. I needed to be an obese tub of lard, but I didn't know if I should or even could gain it back even though I desperately wanted to and it honestly wasn't easy to do. I forced an absurd amount of calories into myself over the past year to get me to this point. I'm up 50 pounds. I'm fatter and more out of shape than ever and I've developed a new binging addiction. I always ate a lot and would stuff occasionally, but I started binging almost nightly to put the weight back on and now I need it. I'm so hungry all the time now and I have to binge before I can sleep at night. I am concerned by this, but I'm fully embracing it because it's making me absolutely huge. I'd love to hear about your journey.

  • I gave up over the last year as well. The fat acceptance movement finally got to me. That and a girlfriend who loves encouraging me. Do you have a partner you can enjoy the journey with?

  • I do. She doesn't really encourage me to eat, but she loves how huge I'm getting. I actually hit 350 last week and she was very excited. She likes teasing me for being such a tub and I love it. It really makes me want to keep blowing up. How is your gain going?

  • Faster than I wish, but so very satisfactory. It’s amazing how sensitive you get when you’re a tub o lard. My belly and nipples practically ache to be touched. And I’m bot even purposely gaining. I just overeat a bit, at every meal I can.

  • I know what you mean. Having your fat played with is the best feeling in the world and it only gets better as you grow. I loved it when I was chubby, but it's amazing now that I'm a complete blimp.

  • I love just feeling so repulsive to the majority. It makes the whole thing feel so dirty. Really liking the way my wife slaps my belly during s** these days. Who knew she felt that way!!”!

  • I thought about what you said for a while because i don't think of myself as repulsive, but you're right. If I'm being honest with myself, I have eaten myself out of being f******* to most women and that is so humiliating and hot at the same time.

  • Yeah, every once in a while I’ll catch a reflection in a window and realize how fat I’ve gotten. Or I’ll squeeze into a booth and realize everyone else in the booth is fitting perfectly fine. Just as you describe… humiliating and hot.

  • Any updates? Your struggle is really relatable. I’d love to hear how it is going.

  • I just updated below a few days ago. I'm back over 340 pounds and pushing for more. I've been binging as much as possible and drinking heavy cream to blimp myself back up.

    The benefits I felt from being lighter are gone. I'm even more out of shape now than before I lost the weight. My muscles feel weaker and I have very low energy which is fine most of the time. It helps keep me sedentary, but it makes it harder whenever I have to do anything remotely physical. My clothes are almost all skin tight and my back hurts again, but I want this.

    You said my struggle is relatable. I would love to know what you are going through. Are you gaining? Losing? Caught in between?

  • I’m gaining. Not on purpose, just can’t stop myself until I’m stuffed. I have been yo-yoing all my life but now I’m heavier than I’ve ever been at around 320 and I just have no motivation to diet again. My knees are hurting which makes it even less likely I could lose if I want to. But I just can’t stop myself and don’t even feel bad about it.

  • I made my choice and have stuck to it. It wasn't easy, but I was able to stop and I feel so much better about myself. I am doing what I need to for me and my body.

    I have gained back every single pound and I feel so much better! I feel heavy, slow, and fat. I am lazier than ever and have developed a new binging habit that I can no longer control. I know it will be my downfall and that I am less healthy than I was before and only getting worse. I'm back on the path to extreme obesity and a life severely impacted by my weight. I embrace all of it and welcome the struggles I am forcing on myself with every bite I stuff into my mouth.

  • Me too. Just decided, f*** it and have recently flown past the 300 lb mark. Never been heavier or happier or hornier.

  • I starve my gf. She's bony and her chest is flat. Not t***. She wears padded bras. So sexy.

  • Are you still forcing her to fence too, until she feints? Obsessive people are not very smart.

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Reason for reporting this post
Report this comment
Reason for reporting this comment
Delete this post?