I need help
Three years back our family went on a trip to a hill station with my dad's friend who has a really cute son (lets call him X) . We've been friends and playing together since childhood. Anyways at the trip I get extremely sick and my mom gives me a medicine that probably had a sedating effect. I'm sleeping in bedroom upstairs and feel someone touching me at all the wrong places. I try to get up and stop the person but couldn't. After a little struggle I open my eyes and see X j*** back. I'm still unable to perceive the situation and ask him what was he doing there. He says he forgot his jacket and leaves. When I finally got better and came to my senses I realize what had been happening there in the bedroom and it makes me sick to the stomach. Like X was my friend and I'm real hurt. Anyways we moved out after that and I forgot everything. Though once in a while I do remember and wish I could confront X properly. Fast forward all those years. I met X few months back and we've been spending time. The thing is I feel attracted to him in a way that I don't want to remember the bad things he did to me. I've forgot everything I don't know try to like it was normal and this is what sometimes really makes me feel guilty. Guilty of not confronting my abuser. Guilty of actually developing feelings for my abuser. Guilty of wanting to forget everything, pretending nothing has been wrong all this time. Please I really need help. Tell me if it's okay because I know it's not and I'm not normal. Help needed.