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I binge at night. When my family is asleep I come downstairs and I eat. I eat as much as I can. I stuff myself like a pig and it's why I'm fat. It's why my face is round and I have a double chin. It's why I can't fit into normal sized clothes or chairs with arms. Its why I can't run or go up a flight of steps without breaking into a sweat. I binge and it feels so good and it's destroying my body. Sometimes when I find a new stretch mark or outgrow another pair of pants I feel ashamed and I'll want to punish myself for being such a gross fat pig, so I'll eat even more until it hurts. I feel out of control and scared. I repulse myself and feel turned on all at the same time. I hate this about me but I don't want to stop. I want to see how far I will go. How out of control will I get? How fat? How unhealthy? I think I need help, but I want to know what will happen if I don't get it. I'm honestly terrified that I feel this way because I'm doing it. Every night I'm doing it to myself. I'm gorging on junk and watching it manifest itself all over my big heavy growing body. I'm actively ruining my body. Internally with massive doses of fat sugar and salt. I can feel my health slipping away, but what excites me is the visual manifestation of that. I can see the damage I'm doing. The shameful excessive gluttony is visible and obvious and getting worse every day. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Who is this fat disgusting blob? I've changed so much. Grown so much. My features distorted by fat. My limbs thick and heavy to lift, my hips wide, my waist gone - overwhelmed with flab that forms tire-like rolls that hug me and hang down to my cellulite covered thighs. I'm grotesque. Obese. That is what I did. That is me and more and more it is all I am as i slip deeper and deeper into this morbid endeavor. There is so much of me now and I am almost gone.
I’m 438 lbs now, so I must be catching up with you. When I’m out all I can think about is getting home, getting completely undressed and stuffing my face. One thing I’ve noticed is that the fatter I get, the better everything feels. The sensations I get from “play” keep getting more intense and longer lasting as my body continues to expand. Is this something you’ve also found?
When I first accepted that I was going to get big I used to think about reaching 400 lbs, but that number keeps going up as my weight increases too. These days I think about 600 a lot and I’m almost certain that I won’t stop there either.
Congrats on putting on your first 200! I absolutely have found that to be true, yes. I think that's part of what's made this so addicting. The self gratification is unbelievable and only seems to grow right along with me.
I like that you used the word accepted. Like you knew you couldn't fight the urge, so you allowed yourself to just balloon and become enormous. I have no doubt we're both headed for 600+ especially if you're already fantasizing about it. Have you thought about how you're going to take care of yourself when you get that fat? I think I've been purposely trying not to, but I know I should because I think we'll both be there sooner than we think.
“Balloon” is exactly the right word for what’s happening to us. We are both blowing up like balloons, our bodies filling with more and more fat. It’s intoxicating and self reinforcing, becoming more and more pleasurable with each pound.
I really haven’t thought about what’s going to happen, but you’re right, we probably should. My first 200 lbs took a while, but my next 200 are going to pour on much faster. I’m up to 447 lbs today.
It really is more pleasurable the more massive I get. The feel of hundreds of pounds of fat enveloping and distorting my body is almost euphoric sometimes. I am so weighed down and encumbered by my own obesity that my life will never be the same and it has taken away so much, but the feeling of all this fat is absolutely worth it.
What I find so stupidly hot though is that this isn't really "happening" to us. We're DOING it to ourselves. We have both eaten our way to being ridiculously fat. Seriously, you are almost 450 pounds! That's ridiculous. I am 510 pounds. We would still be obese at half these weights, but yet it still isn't even close to enough and I don't think it ever will be.
I know I have a head start, but do you want to race me to 600?
Sure, I’d be up for it, if you are. I weighed in at 458 today.
It’ll be interesting to see how much faster we both can go if we’re trying.