I’m meant to be alone
I don’t think I meant for relationships. I know people usually say if it doesn’t work out then it’s because it wasn’t the right one. But what if there is no right one?
In the last 4 years, I’ve been in 3 different relationships. I’m in my third one currently.. and although she’s lovely and a really sweet and caring person, I’m finding myself to be fighting with myself most days on whether I should continue or end things. I’ve always been the type to go out and seize the day. I love the outdoors whether it’s hiking or going on a trip or just going on a drive. I’ve also have always been the type to jump up to any opportunity as long as it’s fun and it’ll be an experience to share.
With each relationship I have gone into, something has been missing plus I’m always finding that I have to compromise and sacrifice a few things such as going out whenever I want or hanging with certain friends. I can’t pick up and go. But I’ve also realized that when I’m single, I’m at my happiest. When I’m in a relationship, I’m a different person. A person that’s not me!
I like things a certain way. I have a little ocd. I like to be free at heart and I love experiences that turn into stories that people find interesting. I live for the stories that I can tell because I’ve lived them. Do I someday want to find that love that fits? Sure but at the same time, I don’t think I want to be in a relationship at all. Relationships are a lot of work and I’m not saying I wouldn’t put in the work cause I have for the past 2 yrs but I feel with every argument, with every sacrifice made for the relationship to work, you tend to lose yourself. I have. I feel myself drifting each day more and more. I’ve become a boring person that just complains and does the same s*** day in and day out. Wake up, go to work, come home, clean up, take a bath, go to sleep. Repeat. I’m a free bird being caged, going crazy to be let out.
I don’t think everyone belongs in a relationship or that it’s important to be in one. I can’t see myself settling in the future. I see myself still exploring. I don’t need another person to make me happy. I’m happy with being free and living. Appreciating life. Now it’s the hard part.. breaking it off with my girlfriend. She really is a one of a kind genuine person and I don’t want to hurt her but I know if I don’t do it, Ima end up regretting and hurting myself more because I’m not doing what makes me happy.