Monogamy and polyamory
I fooled around with a guy who’s been through a lot. He’s a vet, a club manager, a sherif, a foster parent, and a caregiver for his family. He’s a great guy- I can’t say I truly loved him but I care for him deeply.
We talked about our preferences and personalities. He mentioned being polyamorous but I legitimately forgot so the first time we had s** he cleans up and says “hey , maybe not now, but later can we talk about polyamory”? My heart f****** dropped… I hate myself for feeling this way - for even now feeling what I do but I’m set in my ways and this was never the road I wanted to take…. I honestly immediately regretted having s** with him. We nearly broke up that night but he told me he’d change. I didn’t want that for him but I was so tired I told him I’d compensate too by considering…
Long story short we didn’t do anything of the sort and he still with his opinions and me with mine but at least we are good friends. But I write this because I hate myself for still being hurt… i want to be the kind of person to accept everyone for everything they are especially my closest friends and ex/current/future lovers- but f*** me every time I think about how he enjoys that kind of lifestyle… I just don’t understand it- I want no part of it- yet he’ll text me saying he still has feelings and tell me I’ve been nothing but sweet to him when I’m reality… thinking about him being with multiple women/ wanting to have added another girl to our ex-relationship/ wanting a poly life in general- good god. Never. Never again. I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry but I hate it. I’m a fool for letting myself sink into it. I don’t regret meeting him, but I regret being so set in my ways that I can’t fully accept someone who means a lot to me.