Don't be like me don't kill the spiders they're probably good ppl

I'm so ** stupid. I killed another spider today. They're all huge, for what it's worth, but every single time I kill one I feel bad about it after. I go "what if it didn't actually wanna hurt me"? And "what if I didn't kill it?" And then lo and behold the next time I see one I make a show out of it and end up spraying it dead.
The one I killed today was suuuper huge. You could see its joints and where every crevice of the body was on it. But once I saw it and made a sound, it ran backwards away. And when I killed it, I had to watch as it moved its legs desperately. At some point, it kind of looked like how people do when they reach out their arm going "how could you do this to me"? Maybe it was just curious, and it wouldn't have hurt me. That's probably it. So now I feel much much worse than I have before. Why the ** can't I just stick to my ideas and ideals? Yknow, sometimes it kinda feels like I can feel the bug crawling on me later on after I've killed it. Though that should he the least of my concerns right now. I'm sorry, man. Why do I keep killing them if I feel sad right after? It's so stupid... i definitely shouldn't have killed that one. We probably could've been friends. Why did it seem like it had a conscious? Yeah, I'm a horrible person. Man what the ** have I done

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