Account Login
Not sure if I crossed a line into CSA
Years ago, I was concerned that I might be a ** and wanted to "self-check" if I had any actual attraction to children or urge to ** to them. I searched "naked child" on Google Images, finding images of naked children where genitalia were visible; however, the pictures themselves were innocent and nonsexual. I tried to move my hand towards my ** while looking at the pictures, but was immediately and viscerally repulsed by the very idea of masturbating to them. I then closed the search.
Some years after that, I remembered this event partially and feared I had, in fact, masturbated to the photos at that time. To jog my memories, I thought back to the initial "experiment" and moved my **; however, my intent was not to sexually stimulate myself to the memory, and the movement wasn't directed towards that. I then freaked out about having done that and did the movement again to see if that _had_ been masturbation, found it wasn't, then freaked out again about _that_... this went on for a while.
Eventually, I decided to repeat the experiment to make sure I was remembering it correctly. During this repeat, I likewise googled images of naked children; this time, I lay my hand on my covered ** while looking at the images. Feeling no urge to start masturbating, I removed my hand after several seconds.
At the time of these experiments, I did not think I had done any harm or violation towards the children in the photos: they weren't child ** in and of themselves, just general nakedness, and I hadn't actually masturbated. However, over the years, I've come to doubt this and fear that I had, in fact, sexually violated those children somehow merely by doing this. I can't be certain, and the uncertainty eats at me. I've made this confession so I can see what others think; whether what I did was merely ** up but ultimately harmless or if I've crossed a line that can't be uncrossed, I find myself craving an answer either way.
Sounds like you have a repressed association of children with **, possibly related to an incident in your youth. Psychotherapy or hypnotherapy might uncover the root cause, but personally I don’t see any benefit to you in this.
Many men have sexual experiences as a youngster: ‘show me yours & I’ll show you mine’ or ‘doctors & nurses’ for example, or just a quick fumble with the girl next door. These can be very exciting at the time, & it sometimes can lead to an interest in pedophilia. But more often, a man might look at a young girl when masturbating simply to try to recapture & enjoy that distant memory: it definitely doesn’t mean that he would ever actually violate or abuse any children. The fact that you feel guilty about having such thoughts means that your empathy, & sense of what is right or wrong, is intact. Try to dismiss these thoughts from your mind x