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My life of not living at all.
As each day passes i lose more and more of my being, slowly turning into an autonomous empty husk that wanders through life without any goals or aspirations.
When i try to think of they day i die, i don't know what emotion i will feel on my last breath. Will it be a sigh of relief or a gasp of sorrow.
I have everything i need to live a good life, yet i don't even know if i should be living at all.
When did i become like this? Was i always this empty.
I interact less and less with the people around me. In my ideal world i would be alone in my dreams forever, never waking to the morning sunshine.
I used to cry my eyes out when i was younger because i was bullied and tormented, Even when i got older and got friends i never really got past those times. It mangled something inside my brain that makes it so that i need validation. It also made me afraid of change and afraid of making a mistake or afraid of dissapointing someone or doing something weird. I thought i stopped crying, i only realized that wasn't true when i broke down for the first time in years, it was a moment that twisted my brain even more after that point. It was my second turning point in life. It was when i found out my crush that i have had all the way since i was 12 to this day had a boyfriend. I don't know why i cried, i always knew i wasn't ever going to be with her. I was ugly, fat, weird and everything else horrible and i was too afraid to even ask. I cried and cried and made myself cry even more by saying everything horrible about me to myself. It became a habit for me. I was so devoid of any emotion so i force myself to cry by reciting everything wrong about me to myself over and over again until i cant cry anymore. At this point in time i'm confused and lost. I'm loosing my mind. My memory is foggy, i can't make sense of anything and my mind is constantly drifting around.
I am just so lost in the concept of life that i don't know if can go on.
I'm just lonely, and afraid of living. When you're dead you can't be afraid of the change. I'm afraid of change but i want my life to change even still.
This is my life.
You are in a state of depression. See a doctor and get meds to help you deal with this, also speak to a councilor . Give them both time. It will get better!!