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I will probably die before I finish university.
I've been suicidal since I was 12. It's been 6 years of this. Hasn't gotten better. I keep trying to get help, build any friendships, do anything positive but it all feels fundamentally hollow and never alleviate anything. I feel like I'm a reanimated corpse walking about that should just be put to rest like everything else. I look at my sister, who is being bombed in Ukraine, and my brother, who tried to kill himself when I was 14, and feel like I'm staring at the dead. I can't get myself to be close to them because mentally I am certain of their upcoming death.
Uni is nice, and the only place I feel remotely stable (stable-ish, not fully stable), but when we have breaks I just lie in my bed unable to think of anything else except the most efficient method of death.
I doubt I'll keep trucking for much longer. I'm scared of death, though. I thought I was calm with it but the cessation of consciousness worries me. I'm a coward, huh?
Protect your peace at all costs
Don’t do it