I'm terrified of dying
I'm absolutely terrified of dying. I mean, so terrified that whenever I even let myself consider the idea, I get sick to my stomach for hours, and feel such a feeling of dread that I can't even describe it. Sometimes I wish I believed in God, because it's not the idea of being dead that scares me; it's the idea of being OVER. If I believed that there was something after this, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid. It freaks me out, thinking that when this life is over, there's nothing more, this is all I'll ever be. I feel like I've already wasted so much time and screwed up way too much, if this is the only time I'm going to get, and it absolutely terrifies me. But I can't believe in God; I try, but I just can't. Every ounce of logic in me tells me that God is what people need to believe in to keep from being either as terrified as I am all the time, or, worse, being entirely without conscience since nothing they did would ultimately matter. The concept of God makes no logical sense, and I can't do like people have told me and just push logic aside. My brain doesn't work that way. When I try, I just keep coming back to the point that religion of some sort, a higher power to answer to, for at least the majority of the population is basically a necessity in a society such as ours, and the concept was created out of need for self-regulation and justification. But despite not being able to believe it, I WISH I did. I'm jealous of the people who do believe because they aren't afraid to die. They 'know' they have something better waiting for them, and even if that turns out to not be true, they still are living their current life without the fear I have of not existing anymore after I die. The fear of being entirely inconsequential and insignificant.
So... I guess my secret is that even though I don't believe in God, I desperately wish that I did, and that while I'm generally politely tolerant of religion while still feeling a certain amount of incredulity that people practice any religion at all, at the same time I am kind of jealous of their ability to believe. I don't know what to do, and I'm so, so tired of dreading death so much that it affects my ability to live my life fully.