That I'm sick of being strong all the time and accepting the way people are, sick of the way things are in general and how my life has gone, I have next to no hope for the future but have to keep this fake smile and "together" demeanour on all the time to keep everything going. I wish I could figure out how to let this pain and confusion go, the pain over the baby we lost, the pain over my father rejecting and my mother's lack of love.
In reality I hate myself beyond believe, I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror, I don't think I have any redeeming qualities but can't tell anyone this because I just get lectured about how much I do have, health, husband and daughter. Yes I have them and I care, I want them to be well and happy but then why do I walk around empty all the time.
I can't even tell anyone how seriously I'm thinking of ending it all, they don't understand and there is no help where I am. I won't do it, at least not yet but every day I think about it.
I confess that I am completely lost and don't know if I'm worth being found.