That I'm sick of being strong all the time and accepting the way people are, sick of the way things are in general and how my life has gone, I have next to no hope for the future but have to keep this fake smile and "together" demeanour on all the time to keep everything going. I wish I could figure out how to let this pain and confusion go, the pain over the baby we lost, the pain over my father rejecting and my mother's lack of love.

In reality I hate myself beyond believe, I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror, I don't think I have any redeeming qualities but can't tell anyone this because I just get lectured about how much I do have, health, husband and daughter. Yes I have them and I care, I want them to be well and happy but then why do I walk around empty all the time.

I can't even tell anyone how seriously I'm thinking of ending it all, they don't understand and there is no help where I am. I won't do it, at least not yet but every day I think about it.

I confess that I am completely lost and don't know if I'm worth being found.

Apr 13, 2012

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  • You are worth being found. After all you went through do you really want to give up and leave your husband and daughter alone in the world? What will your daughter think if her own mother leaves her? She'll feel the same way you do and think that her life isn't worth living and that its ok to just end it all. I can't claim to understand why you or I or anyone else are here, but while we're here we have to make the best out of it. I know where you're coming from. I was left behind by my parents when they took the easy way out. I struggled many days for years fighting the urge to do the same. I'm still here. I'm still struggling. The difference between you and I is that I have no one special in my life, no significant other, no children. If I were to end it all I really wouldn't be missed. But I'm still here. I continue the struggle.

    You are important. Your husband needs you. Your daughter needs you. You DO love them even if you can't feel it all the time. That means you are capable of loving. That means you are a stronger and kinder person than a lot of people in this world who went through a lot less. You deserve to be happy. Don't stop hoping. Find help somewhere, if even online.

  • Please talk to a doctor. Get on medication for depression asap. Then get the therapy. I know how dark depression can be. I too have walked in those shadows. After 20the years of suffering I got help. I have been well for more then 15 years. You can too. There is hope.

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