Trust Issues, Fear of Judgement, Please Help...
Bear with me, this is somewhat of a long story.
So I had trust issues when I was about thirteen years old. It began because I had this weird addiction to watching shows that involved gay people kissing, guess it was a turn on or something. It was disgusting. I was pretty young i don't know why but I just watched it anyway. When I finally confessed to my mom what I did she became furious but I later confided in her telling her everything that I did and how scared I was. She later accused me of being gay. I was crying telling her I wasn't and truth was I wasn't gay then or now. But it got me so scared that I couldn't trust anyone especially my mother. I then built this wall up still telling my mom things that were on my mind but I still bottled everything up and it was so bad to a point where I attempted suicide 3-4 times by trying to stab a knife through my stomach. I became so serious about dying that I prayed daily dreaming that God would end my life or start my life back over from when I was born. But obviously it didn't happened, so I took matters into my own had and began to write a note one day explaining that I was killing myself. My sister found the note and gave it to my mother and they treated it as if I was over reacting. It felt ok back then because I was convinced that maybe I was over-reacting but as time went on I realized I was in a horrible mental state and that there should be at least some action taken.
But I've been affected by it, because I receive these "thoughts" that I am gay/lesbian but I'm not. I'm straight and I am 100% sure of that it's just that I get very uncomfortable around other girls. And I always have this stupid thought that others think I am gay but I don't know why anyone would think that because I don't act like it, never been called that (except for my sister who teases me about the stuff I use to watch and calls me a l**** saying that I like girls and that I check them out). I'm not a homophobic what so ever but I like guys. I fantasize my future husband, etc. And I never do that with girls. I honestly probably regret the day I was in the bathroom alone and that I pretended as if I was a l**** to see if I was, acting out an imaginary scene, but even then I realized I wasn't.
But now when I get around other girls I still get uncomfortable, scared because I get these stupid "thoughts" and then I am scared if I am gay, but I know being gay is a choice and it isn't my choice. And it's not a battle that I finding about my sexuality it's just a psychological matter of me dealing with my regret of the situation and the constant teasing from my sister affects me. Maybe that's why I get scared around other girls and my heart beats so fast. I fear that maybe what she said was true and that these thoughts/her words control me and dictate my life. That's maybe why when my crush started talking to the girl I was uncomfortable around, I got so scared. My heart was beating, I usually check people's twitters out girl or guy but avoided her because I was scared of seeing bikini photos or something that'll make these thoughts get stronger. Please tell me if this is me just dealing with regret/ how to deal with it, because I'm scared. I have my faith in God and just pray that one day I can be free from this and won't have to feel.
Also more in depth thoughts: they are split into 2 categories.
1. The l**** thoughts that whenever I get scared/uncomfortable I get the "oh you wanna kiss her" or lick her you know what. Or them kissing me on the lips or thoughts just stupid weird thoughts. I always brush it off, ignore, or get away from them but it's SO hard. I don't like it at all!!!
And plus it was also in effect towards my grandpa. Because when he yawns/moans/groans. I think of it as an o***** and I get so uncomfortable. And I have these weird thoughts of him and I doing things. I don't feel I control these thoughts, I feel like they are my way of dealing with being uncomfortable.
2. Thoughts toward God. I love god, I am devoted to my religion and I always pray like 24/7 thanking him. Having my faith in him and etc. So when I pray I always get these stupid contradicting thoughts basically saying "f*** u god" or "god is this or that". So disrespectful and yet again I don't like these thoughts!!!
Please help. I don't want these thoughts to control me, I want to live my life!
Thank you for your help and please remember I am mentally sane and have nothing mentally wrong with me.