I have a boyfriend but we live very far
I have a boyfriend but we live very far away. We love each other very much but he can't find a way for us to be together even though I tell him I know. Now he doesn't contact me and deleted what we had before without telling me. I just found out myself and I think he doesn't want to tell me he wants a break up with me because it will hurt me a lot. He's still in love with me but he doesn't want me to wait for him just because he thinks he can't live with me and so I need to find someone else. He wants to tell me that but he worries about my . So now he stops talking and hopes it will make me be tired of waiting for him and I'll have to let it go. We haven't met each other for more than one and a half years but we emailed but not much like before. I miss him and love him so much. Everything I can do to save this relationship I try to do but it seems it doesn't work if only I want to do. I also want to say he and I were engaged to each other and have been in love for nearly 4 years too. I don't know why he has to do that. It's a lot easier for him to come here than I come there to be with him but he wants me to come. We all know the chance for me to come there is very very odd like you look for a needle in a big ocean. But I could come to him if he comes to meet me again and we would together find a way for us. But he doesn't want to do that.
I'm very disappointed about him and feel like his love for me isn't as strong as I have for him. I think of him everyday and am very depressed too. I don't want to tell my family about my problem because they have enough things to worry about and I don't want them to worry more. So I only talk with my friends whom I think migh have good advices for me. They all say I need to be strong and forget him and start a new relationship with someone else. I don't want that but I can't wait for nothing so I now don't know what to do. He doesn't say he wants to break up yet but he's been avoiding me. One hand I want him to tell me what he wants now but other hand I'm scared to hear the truth from him. Sometimes I think I should let him go and start a new life and look for a new relationship, but then I feel guilty like I'm cheating him.
Yesterday I went to my friend's to release my bad feelings in my head. Also I wanted to know what he thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. His answers were like other people adviced me. He felt bad for me because I was crying very much. He wanted to hold me to ease my pain but he worried if it would be ok for him to do that so he asked me. I needed a hug and I let him do it. When he held me it reminded me so much of my boyfriend. I missed my bf's caress so when I was being held by my male friend and he kissed my hair I let him do it. He asked me if I liked when he caressed me. I admitted that I did and so I let him do even though I was wondering if it was wrong and I was betraying my bf. My friend caressed me just like my bf used to do so I couldn't control my mind anymore. But the important thing is I didn't caress him back and kept his hands off important parts of my body. I stopped it before we could not control our desires. To him it wasn't a big deal and I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not a robot or a tree, so I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do and feel guilty. This morning I came to his house again and told him what I thought about what we did yesterday and I was totally wrong to let him caress me. But I also told him he didn't do anything wrong, he just tried to help me and I appreciated it but I shouldn't let it happen again. I told him I don't want to be easy for that and I want him, people especially me to have respect for myself. I want to be friend with him and be able to meet him next time comfortablely. I don't want if someday we do more than that and later I'll feel bad and when I meet him I'll feel uncomfortable. He's a good man but I cannot and don't love him and I know if we ever loved each other we wouldn't have a good ending.
Now I still feel guilty for letting him caress me and that's why I'm here to confess. I know my relationship with my bf is broken but he doesn't officially tell me he wants a break up so I'm still his girlfriend/fiance but I did a wrong thing.