Suicidal and can't get any help or support

I want to kill myself right now. Or at least make a nice long cut down the inside of my arm. I've been feeling like this for the past three days, ever since New Years eve. 2013 it seems was a huge trigger for me. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Several things happened. I realized it was the beginning of my first year as a single mom. I realized how fully messed up it is that I'm a mixed woman in a "white" body so no matter what I will never fully be understood by any racial group - mixed, white, or black (I've never given it any thought before... I just always assumed one day I would fit in somewhere). And I also started having extreme paranoia (bordering on psychosis) about it being the end of the world (I was a third generation Jehovah's Witness, so I was pretty much breastfed images of people being destroyed in Armageddon). Anyways... that's how it all started, and I guess I should mention that I have been experiencing symptoms of PTSD for the past few months as well. So for the past few days, I've been crying almost non-stop. I haven't had anyone to talk to. My boyfriend didn't so much as say hello to me after saying goodbye to me on New Years even though he normally at least says good morning to me every day. I rarely have any visitors, most of the time it's just me and my four year old son alone, so yeah, it gets lonely and depressing and it's really easy to start feeling like no one cares if I'm dead or alive because I know if I was to die it would at least be weeks before anyone found me just because it's that rare that anyone comes by. And on top of that, my son has been telling me almost every day that he doesn't love me. Anyways, I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but he got mad because he needed support too and I wasn't providing it and he's gotten sick of providing support to me for the past 3 months straight and I called him insensitive on the one day he couldn't do it (his words paraphrased), so now we are broken up, and I don't even have him any more. And I tried to talk to him and work things out but he just kept twisting my words around in to criticism when I wasn't being critical of him at all and kept being sarcastic and talking about how he can never keep anything good in his life or something like that and I just... I gave up... my mom used to bash herself like that when I was a kid and it led in to all kinds of crap like her trying to kill herself and her trying to get me to kill her and beating me and beating herself and I just can't handle someone mimicking her like that because it always gives me flashbacks to her doing that stuff. And my son just told me again that he doesn't love me. I just... I don't see the point of going on any more... everyone hates me, even my son... and I serve absolutely no value or purpose in life... except to be some sort of sideshow freak, "the albino mulatto" or something like that... anyways, I know that I should be committed to a hospital right now, but I also know if I go that route I'm going to lose all custody of my son, and his father is abusive to him. I also know I would be fine if I had a support system, but I don't have one. I don't even have a counselor because my insurance won't pay for one. So I'm just screwed no matter which way I go...

Jan 3, 2013

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  • I'm so sorry, really hope and wish you all the best. Please don't kill yourself. You are very important. ♥️

  • That all really sucks, especially the condition by religion, just know of it seems like no one else gives a s***, a lot of people do, here, I'm one and I don't even know you, go to talk to a shrink, or hypnotherapist, they help a lot. Ptsd sucks too. Jus know because you wrote this post you want this f***** up feeling to end, and it will

  • Oh gee, why didn't I think of that?

    Oh wait, I have.

    This isn't like some simple problem that just needs an attitude adjustment. I have remained positive for years. This is the result of realizing no matter what attitude I carry, no matter what I do, I'm still going to have the same problems.

    Also, there's a lot going on here that I didn't mention. Like the fact I just got out of a 4 year long abusive marriage. Like the fact that I have no friends or family supporting me. I don't even have anyone to babysit my son. Or how right after my husband left I was burglarized, dragged in to the street and beaten while my neighbors watched and did nothing, telling the police they didn't even see it take place. Or how I live in the roughest part of a ghetto. Or how it's kind of hard to raise my son to be a good man when every time he goes over to his dads his dad is doing everything he can to s**** him up and also s**** up his relationship with me. And it goes on and on....

    This weekend, while he's at his dads, I'm going to do it.

  • First of all I hope that you are feeling better today. You have a son who needs you to do a better job than your mother did. Sometimes we're put to the test, to just keep living. Maybe smoke some weed. Or listen to some positive music. Please do your best to raise your son into a good man. That IS your purpose!
    Best wishes
    Your Canadian friend

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