I Hate Myself

To start this, let me say I'm not really looking for sympathy, I just need to get this off my chest.

Before we start this, again, let me reiterate what 'I Hate Myself' means. It translates to 'I Want to Die.' Not anything horrible, nothing too painful or cliche or angsty, just gone. It would be better that way.

I'm not diagnosed but I know I've got manic depression/bipolar and I struggle with it often. I've got horrible f****** self-esteem and my ego is the size of a raisin, which absolutely f**** with my career, my social life, and yes, even my s** life. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know what I should do. I can barely go into public without wanting to hurt somebody, myself, or to run away. My girlfriend knows of my illness but doesn't seem to really understand how much it irritates me when she talks to her a****** ex-boyfriends or things like that. In large social environments I can barely breath. I want to sing, and I know I do it fairly well, but I get self-conscious about it and then I choke and can't sing until I've been pushed far. I've honestly thought about suicide (I've been physically abused for much of my life by my father and I've always felt worthless). I don't think I'm good enough for anyone, and if somebody doesn't want to talk to me I automatically think they hate me and it's absolute bullshit because I know they don't. Frankly if you've read this far you're a f****** hero, because I know I wouldn't be able to. I'm just sort of going on a tangent about all sorts of s*** about me and about the world I hate. This is as good a place as any to put it, yeah?

H*** dude, my ego is so small and my anxiety is so serious my girlfriend couldn't even get me hard the other night because I was scared I wouldn't be good enough. This is despite having an almost 8" member with average girth. It's like, I know I'm good enough there, I know I'm good enough with music, I know I'm good enough with all sorts of things, but I'm still far too scared to actually follow through with it because of that off chance that something goes horribly wrong, and it's strangling me. I feel like I've been buried alive and my hands are gone so I can't dig my way out of it. It's h***.

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  • Reading these types of posts always tug at my heart. It's hard to read when someone is in pain. Because when you're going through a tough time, it feels like you're the only one that feels that way. And you're not. Not sure if that's comforting or not. But there is hope and help out there. You have to reach out (which is the hardest part). There are people who are rooting for you to get out there and live your life to the fullest. You said perfectly in the bottom portion of your post."I know I'm good enough". Keep saying that. Get out there and sing too! You can be anyone you want on stage. Push yourself and don't get discouraged. Let me ask you, what is the absolute worse thing that would happen if something went "horribly" wrong on stage? You get embarrassed? Brush yourself off and have a good laugh and laugh at yourself. We all have an embarrassing moment to share. Share what you're going through with your girlfriend. Tell her that it hurts you when she speaks to her exes. But in the back of your mind, remember she is with you. Most importantly, remember everyone gets scared or has insecurities even without dealing with depression, mental illness or anxieties. Stay on your meds and see a therapist. You are human. You are worth it. Give yourself a break and take things one day at a time.

  • ...You've really got no idea how much that means to me, as the OP. You just made me cry. Thank you, man.

  • Ah, I didn't want to make you cry.. Will you please go and see someone this week, or this month about your depression or at least get diagnosed. You could be that much happier if you know what's really going on with you so you could be treated. *Hugs*

  • It was a good cry. I shed a manly tear. ;o I've been told by various medical folk I had this but I haven't gotten treatment because I'm really poor and it's ugh. Whatever. It's a stressful situation. -hugs-

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