I Hate Myself
To start this, let me say I'm not really looking for sympathy, I just need to get this off my chest.
Before we start this, again, let me reiterate what 'I Hate Myself' means. It translates to 'I Want to Die.' Not anything horrible, nothing too painful or cliche or angsty, just gone. It would be better that way.
I'm not diagnosed but I know I've got manic depression/bipolar and I struggle with it often. I've got horrible f****** self-esteem and my ego is the size of a raisin, which absolutely f**** with my career, my social life, and yes, even my s** life. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know what I should do. I can barely go into public without wanting to hurt somebody, myself, or to run away. My girlfriend knows of my illness but doesn't seem to really understand how much it irritates me when she talks to her a****** ex-boyfriends or things like that. In large social environments I can barely breath. I want to sing, and I know I do it fairly well, but I get self-conscious about it and then I choke and can't sing until I've been pushed far. I've honestly thought about suicide (I've been physically abused for much of my life by my father and I've always felt worthless). I don't think I'm good enough for anyone, and if somebody doesn't want to talk to me I automatically think they hate me and it's absolute bullshit because I know they don't. Frankly if you've read this far you're a f****** hero, because I know I wouldn't be able to. I'm just sort of going on a tangent about all sorts of s*** about me and about the world I hate. This is as good a place as any to put it, yeah?
H*** dude, my ego is so small and my anxiety is so serious my girlfriend couldn't even get me hard the other night because I was scared I wouldn't be good enough. This is despite having an almost 8" member with average girth. It's like, I know I'm good enough there, I know I'm good enough with music, I know I'm good enough with all sorts of things, but I'm still far too scared to actually follow through with it because of that off chance that something goes horribly wrong, and it's strangling me. I feel like I've been buried alive and my hands are gone so I can't dig my way out of it. It's h***.