I hate being a mom
I hate being a mom! I love my kids and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. I just hate my life as a mom. I feel so trapped in my life and marriage. My husband hardly has any time for me except when he works from home and I'm not busy on that day. Or if it's his day off. I have him take a day off for my birthday and our anniversary and that's all the time I get to have with him, 2 days a year. Sometimes when he works from home we will go out to eat, which is nice but he hardly makes an effort to make conversation. When it's sexual time on his work from home day I do stuff for him but he doesn't show any interest for me. It's basically all about him. We kiss but it's not really forfilling. As far as being a mom, I feel like I don't even belong in this family of four. I have fraternal twin 2 year old daughters and I just don't like being around them as I feel that I don't fit in as their mom. Husband is like the father and mother and their is no room for me in the family relationship! I just want to go do something else and not deal with how I feel inside when I am around the girls and him. The girls were born not of me, but through an egg donor and surrogacy. I have never felt like a true mother because I can't have kids. I don't think I've ever gotten over that I had cancer that I had to have a total hysterectomy from. I don't have a motherly instinct and I regret having kids. It has ruined my relationship with my husband. I don't feel wanted by him at all or wanted by anyone else. Very unhappy, trapped and sad. Even the inlaws don't care about me. I just has a birthday party for me and not a single person asked how I was, as per usual. It was all about the girls. I felt so alone and sad. Not even family cares about me, even when it's my special day. I had to ask my sister in law to take a picture of me, as she's a photographer. She had her camera by her side all day and didn't bother once to take a picture of me. I feel like a complete zero in all parts of my life! I feel so much pain in my life. I am considering cheating on hubby just to feel wanted by someone, but there is no one that wants me. At the gym I workout at, no guys except a couple of older guys talk to me whom are all probably married. And I'm not interested in the in that way. I just want a cute guy to say hi to me or to hit on me. It would make me feel good for once! I just want to be wanted by someone, anyone who is good looking. Or anyone. It sucks being me. My life sucks and it's hard trying to lose weight. I'm not a fatty but I'm not skinny. I am trying so hard to lose weight, that's all I can think about at times is food and losing weight. I have OCD and it's not helping how I feel about myself. I wish we never had kids, but was afraid of being on my death bed and having no one to care about me. I think that is why I wanted kids. Sad but true. It's just not that forfilling as I had hoped. If you want to s**** up your good relationship with your spouse and have no time together, have kids! And for that matter our relationship pre-kids wasnt a fairytale either. I wasn't happy then and am so unhappy now! I wish I could leave the marriage and kids but I'd feel so guilty and like a terrible person and Mom, but at least I'd be free. Except my hubby is the only person in the world that cares about me. Not even my birth family cares about me like they should. I have no one else but hubby and that is where I'm stuck. I am trapped. I wish I had someone else in my life I could fall back on, but I don't I have no one else. Help!