Husband fell out of love with me

My husband has fallen out of love with me and has asked for a divorce. It's more than I can handle. There is no other person involved. We starting growing apart 2 years ago. He became more and more distant. Didn't want to go out on dates, started doing more things with his friends without wanting me around, like football games and going to the bars. I've asked do counseling. He said no. He stopped being intimate with me. I've tried everything. I offered to take us on vacation and try to get away, just the two of us. He said this would put a band aid on our issues, and not solve anything. We stopped trying to have children because he said he felt like we had some problems to resolve first before he wanted kids with me. Then he stopped sleeping with me all together. I told him that I felt like a stranger in my own home. He started eating dinner on his own, staying down in his home office later and later. I got my hair done, a professional makeover, starting going to the gym. He just has been looking at me for the last few months like I'm a ghost. And then he said he wants out . No effort on his part.
Just existing in this relationship, while I am
Trying to do all I can to keep us together and fix us!! He is Just completely checked out on his part. He went away for the weekend with his buddies to a college Football
Game, came home Last night and today asked for a divorce. Over text while I was at a work meeting today. I couldn't keep myself
Together on the plane. While I'm driving home from the airport, he sent me messages that it's too late, we shouldn't waste each other's time, and he's too old to be in marriage with someone he doesn't love anymore. When I came home tonight, I asked him if we are really over?? He said, we are over and there is no use in fighting and went to his office and closed the door. I told him this isn't fair and I deserve to be talked to and didn't come out. I'm on our guest room now and beside myself.

I feel lost. I feel devasted. This has been my best friend for 10 years. I know people go through this all the time. I can't understand how you just throw a relationship
away!!! He said he's getting older and doesn't want to waste anymore time. He wants out quickly so he can meet someone so
Maybe he can still start a family.

He turned up the volume on our tv in our bedroom when I started crying. This is not happening!!! Please someone tell
me I will be ok. I am in hysterics right now. I love him so much, I don't believe in divorce and told him I would do whatever he wanted or needed. I feel like someone stabbed me in my chest. I don't know how to get through this and I still cannot believe he is giving up.

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  • I will give you bi-racial kids.

  • Many of us have given you good advice, probably based on our very own versions of your s***** situation. Yet, all you seem to do is give excuses for him or justify why you must respond to his behavior the way you are. Do you actually want advice or not?

  • I do appreciate the advice. It has been a hard 24 hours. My life has been thrown upside down. I'm just trying to process it all. I've heard everyone's comments, and I am very thankful for the feedback and support.

  • Unless he can give you very specific reasons why he wants to split up he's cheating I guarantee it. I know. I was that guy 20+ years ago when I split up from my marriage of 5 years. I know you're in pain but this isn't the end of the world. It's time to concentrate on you. Despite what people say there's no such thing as a friendly divorce so you might as well go full-on b**** mode and get everything you can out of him.

    Before anyone writes me off as a total douche I later married the woman I had been cheating with and we've been happily married for 24 years and I've been 100% faithful to her.

  • We talked tonight. He said his reasoning is because I have been gone frequently for work, and he feels alone. He said he feels like I treat our home like a hotel and come and go as I please, and don't take ownership anymore-like cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping as much. He said he wants a person to pull their weight 50%, wants an equal, and doesn't want to have to carry my weight. He blames the lack of intimacy on 'emotional issues' and said he hasn't felt the same about me. He insists there is no one else, just that he doesn't love me anymore. He said he cares and will be there for during this transition, but he's too old to spend anymore time in a relationship where he feels he doesn't want to be anymore. As he's approaching 40, wants to move on so he can meet someone. He did say that he wants someone to be home every night and be a home maker and help take care of him. He said he's worried to have children with me because how would I be taking care of them if I don't really take care of him. He truly insists there isn't anyone else, but says he is ready to meet someone and start over before he's too old to be a dad. I don't know. Couldn't it just be our relationship got to be so bad he just wanted out, without cheating? He also said he does recognize I have tried and he's seen improvement, and that he's sorry I felt so neglected physically and emotionally from him. He's admitted he didn't help to fix us. Thank you for your comment. Trying to process everything. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's him. I believe we are both responsible. Either way, he's made it very clear it is over for good.

  • Ok he's made it clear he's done. Regardless of how childish and stupid we may think his reasons are he's made his decision. As others have said it's time to think about you and take care of yourself. It's apparently his house so start looking for a place to live. Yes you're heart broken, you feel like a failure, etc. You will get over it. Honestly you're probably going to be much better off without him. I truly hope you move on and find peace because you don't deserve his BS.

  • He said it loud and clear. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. That is all you need to focus on. The autopsy can be conducted and analyzed later when you come out of your stupor. Don't try to read into anything else he is saying. You may be in zombie mode right now, low on sleep and hardly eating. But you have to force yourself to have a little dignity. Yes, even with your heart in pieces, with a tsunami of sadness, and with the shock of the finality, YOU need to accept what he has told you. It's over. Get a lawyer and go your separate way. People all over the world for thousands of years have summoned the courage and faced the horror of heartache from h***. Welcome to our club. Now put on your big girl pants and get on with it. Sorry to be so blunt.

  • Wonder when you two had a conversation without him dumping some blame on you. Decent people simply don't do that. Do they.

  • Give up on him, he doesn't want to be with you anymore!! Time to leave his ass!!

  • At least you both didn't have children together, because the divorce would affect them, aswell.

    Accept it's over and move on.Take time away to shower yourself, with love and kindness.You can do better, than your worthless husband.

  • I think I read in your other tread how you are away a lot.

    Try staying home.

  • Hey, I got a question. So, he's revealed himself to be a spineless, immature, selfish, and hurtful chunk of crap, and has shut the door on your marriage. I get that it hurt you, and you're a good person who got wounded from a backstabbing. But why not go? Just... go. You've given two years of all your best efforts to make it better, and 10 years total, so why another day? He wants you gone, so go. You got a job that lets you travel, for crying out loud, you can do anything you want. It'd be a real shame to let that makeover, gym membership, and free spirit go all for nothing. This is not your burden to bear. It's his, and like the coward he is he's pushing it on to you. Please consider it. If happiness isn't making the most of what you got, what is it? Your hubby seems to think it's from a good football game, or anywhere where it seems the grass is greener. You, on the other hand: still young, good job, smart, cool... go be happy and live a good life! The choice is yours to do penance (carrying out the sentence of self-flagellation for the rest of your days! And you be sure to count each and every reason why you deserve it... report back to husband and he might turn back into Mr Wonderful.. stop me please when that starts sounding silly!), or experiencing your right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Go, while there's still time. That's my advice. Maybe you'll have a fling or two, maybe not, maybe most men are clueless fools like your hubby-duddy. But you'll be free of toxic, negative boy-man and all his football "glory." Dude, I couldn't even type those 2 words together with a straight face. You get to TRAVEL! You're lucky!!!

  • This is a wise person.

  • Regardless of what he says, he is TOTALLY f****** somebody else. Prob'ly another guy.

  • I totally think he's gay too!

  • Looking forward to the day when you no longer give this jackhole the effort he doesn't deserve.

  • Wow. If I were to type out what I think of your husband this site would censor it with stars. Needless to say I have a very low opinion of someone like him. I just don't get why people think it's acceptable to treat someone the way he has treated you. He demonstrates no respect or regard for you. How low must a man sink to call his life partner a waste of time. Like you're holding him back from fulfilling his rockstar dreams. I believe his comments about him being too old (which also sounds like he's trying to blame you and put you down for also aging) will come back to haunt him. Does he think that other women will find charm in his boyishly selfish and inconsiderate ways? I'm sure he does. A guy like him usually does, and even might fool a naive girl or two before they start catching up to what a worm he is. I imagine for a while you'll have to listen to him going on about his antics. He's like a pouting teenager in his room. Good grief, give me a break.

  • He's close to turning 40 and told me that he doesn't want to waste any more time in this relationship because he doesn't want to be an old father and needs enough time to meet someone while he has a chance. Sincerely broke every piece of my heart. I asked him why wouldn't couldn't repair us so WE can have children and be together rather than starting over. He said it's been too long and he doesn't feel the same. He also said my free spirt attitude, travel, and spontaneity doesn't mesh with his very structured and disciplined life. He said he wants to know that I will be home when he is. That I will be responsible for chores and cleaning, and when I'm traveling for work. He's left to do it on his own. He said he's too old and tired to be taking care of the house on his own. He wants me to be here like I used to, have dinner ready and house clean when he's home. Traveling for work gave me a bit of excitement, great places, new experiences. I told him we could take advantage of it together. He said no. When I offered to take us on vacation in the next few weeks to reset the mood, put bathing suits on and have a couple of drinks, maybe do to Miami and try to fall in love again---it only made him mad. He Said throwing something together and being a dreamer isn't real life and he has no interest in going. I was just trying to get us out of this depressing, lonely, sad existence and TRY. He's just done and it makes me ill he didn't put any effort in to save us. Just said I'm not worth it anymore and threw me away like garbage. Maybe I am a dreamer but I wanted to give everything a chance.

  • Yeah, the 18-24 year-olds are lining up in their quest to be good little Henrietta Housewife for a "structured and disciplined" 40 year-old wash-up with the emotional maturity of a kindergartner, who hides in his bedroom, breaks up with his wife by text. Someone out there's just itching for the chance to cook his dinners, clean his house, make pretty babies for him, and docilely endure his ludicrously pathetic disrespect and hurtful lack of consideration. Any girl would be jumping up and down. He's 40, just divorced, and want to have a baby? Look out, ladies. That guy's totally gangsta. You know, I gotta say though, I'm 42, happily married for 13 years. What he does to you I couldn't imagine doing to my wife. His loss. You have a great job, a free spirit, spontaneous, and willing to do whatever it takes for your man. You should be untouchable to his tainted character. I hope you get your feet back under, realize how much better than him you are, and that he sounds like a real d***. Good luck to you, and best wishes.

  • And another thing. Why are YOU in the guest room? You are not the dog in this scenario. Go back to your own room. Kick him to the guest room. Then to the curb.

  • He owned the home prior to me moving in. He said I could have one of the guest bedrooms as my office/girl room years ago. Since he went in our bedroom and closed the door, seemed natural that is his space.

  • He needs to read the book called 5 Love Languages. If he leaves you to start over, he will keep doing the same thing to everyone seeking to be fulfilled when in reality, he is the problem. You did nothing wrong. Marriages have stages, he just does not have the patience, consideration, or unconditional love to stick with you through those stages. If he is actually cheating then, that's a whole different story. If he's not and he just gave up on the marriage then, he really needs to read that book!

  • He doesn't want to. He doesn't love her anymore. Finis.

  • Please go to Chumplady blog. And don't be so naive. He wants s**. Just not from you. He doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend with you. Some of Chump Lady's advice:
    What does the humiliating dance of “pick me!” look like?
    * Mounting a defense of the marriage – trying to hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.
    * Eating the s*** sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.
    * Believing that the cheater’s need for “happiness” is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage AND a side dish f*** because they aren’t “happy.”
    * Let’s make a deal! Don’t make a bargain with the Devil – as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy and fix what’s wrong, they won’t betray you.
    * Super spouse! Having hysterical bonding s**, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier. If you’re trying to be a better you to “win,” you’re just rewarding them. Be a better you for YOU. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.
    *  Finally, don’t beg. Don’t grab their ankles as they walk out the door. Don’t drape yourself over furniture weeping. Let them go.

  • Hey this is as honest as someone can get .. how come women want truth & honesty but cant't handle it? Some women act like a new life will destroy them .. then when they meet someone new & got a new lease on life then its a whole different ball game ..

  • It's just hard when I've spent majority of my life with this man, and I thought we would have a family. I understand what you are saying and appreciate the comment. I should accept his honesty. It is very difficult to do. We are both in our 30's, so there is time. I just don't want anyone else.

  • "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." (Maya Angelou). ...Now walk away with a shred of dignity. He fell in love with a confident woman who knew her worth. His behavior has driven you to chip away at your own self worth. Little by little by little. Now you are unrecognizable to him. Get yourself together and tell him to get the f*** out. There may come a day when he wishes he could have you back. Right now this may be hard for you to believe, but by that time you won't want him.

  • Why will someone do this to a person who is perfect in ever aspect? Analyze the whats wrong with you and try correcting it. You might have done something unknowingly which might have hurt your spouse. If you say you did not do anything wrong then your husband is an a******

  • I am certainly not perfect. I travel for work, which has caused friction in our relationship. Many days of me being gone. I offered to quit my job. For him to travel with me when I have a convention or meeting (which he can). He said it's just too late. He says we were falling apart, and the physical distant of me traveling made him pull away from me. I have offered to change and be a stay at home wife but he says it doesn't matter now. There is no point. I know we had problems, and now I'm realizing I'm to blame. When we stopped having s** is when I felt him really changing. I wore lingerie and tried everything, and he just said emotionally he wasn't into it. I'd lay next to him crying and tell him how bad I felt that he didn't want to touch me or vice versa. He's sensitive and somewhat needy and he wanted me home every night to cook and clean and be a wife. I've failed my duties. Even writing on here has helped me see how much I have messed up. When I got a new job that requires more travel. He felt that he had to take care of himself, making his own dinners and laundry etc and just feels separate from me. Now he said he feels like he's lived on his own and wants someone new. I completely destroyed my marriage. I can't undo the past and he's checked out completely.

  • As a man now I see why your husband want to go away.. Dont mistake but I have to say this. No man wants a women who doesnt care about home. And crying will only irritate him more. Get him some wine and once he is boozed up a bit, bring back your good old memories. That might help

  • F*** him!! What a d***!! He's upset because his wife doesn't stay home, clean the house, cook for him and clean his ass!! What sort of man is he?! This is the 21st Century, not the f****** stone ages!! She travels for work and has asked him to join her, but he refuses.She's tried man!! It's him that's given up!!

  • Whatever age it is, women is still a women who has some responsiblities towards home. She should put her effort to be at home. If her career is so important then divorse is the only option. He atleast told that he dont want her because he dont want to travel with her. But, she dont want to leave him and her career. She need to make the decision at some point.

  • Times have changed man! women have evolved and so have the notions, on what women are perceived, to do.
    At one time, a woman was deemed as, only being good for being a house wife, stay at home mother, a doormat, s** slave and so forth. These idealisms are still present, within some countries and cultures, today. But on the whom, women are more empowered creatures of beauty in the 21 century!! Move with the times and stop living in the past!!
    Women have always been and still are, worth more than just being; house slaves, baby makers, s** slaves and domestic cleaning slaves!!

  • I'm a woman of the modern world. I'm independent, adventurous and ambitious. I have a partner who I adore very much and we've been happily together for, seven years.
    We work as a team in our relationship. We share the house duties, bills, food shopping and cooking meals. We even take turns, with paying for our dates and holidays. And this is how, a relationship should be, in my opinion. It's team work/effective partnership. One should not do, more than the other. Regardless of, gender!!
    We're loving, considerate, caring and understanding of each others needs. And if we're apart from each other for a lengthy period of time, as we often are because of me travelling alot, "we" don't fall out of love with each other, because of it!! It makes our love, stronger.

    I don't agree with your chauvinistic, old fashioned view points, but I respect your opinion.

    Ps Just because a woman is a woman, doesn't mean she's obligated because of her gender, to do house duties and stay at home, catering
    solely for her partners needs. I know it is that way, within some cultures. But that doesn't mean, it's right!!

  • Just because they're married, doesn't mean she has to be home cleaning, cooking and cleaning his ass, all the time. Fair enough, she used to do those duties more often, when she was more of, a stay at home wife. I think she spoilt him and he got used to that pampered lifestyle, that now when she rarely does them, he spits his dummy out and has a tantrum like a baby! He appeared content with that lifestyle, but obviously, she didn't.
    I wonder if he ever cooked her a meal sometimes? I bet he didn't do s*** and now he has to, to gets a sulk on!!
    He appears insecure and old fashioned. He deserves to be married to an Amish woman and deserves to be with, an adventurous stud, who she can enjoy travelling and other interesting pursuits with.

  • I'm the wife. It's been several days since I have responded on here. It is amazing how much even a few days since this happened have changed me. Based on some of our recent conversations, I see how much my husband wants to be taken care of, how much he does not want his routine to do to be affected. I see how much he wants someone, not specifically me, to fill his needs. When I explained to him how not being intimate, no affection, not going on dates has affected me, he couldn't see the issue. He was extremely upset with me not doing the laundry and cleaning and shopping as much as a I previously did, through. When I explained how there were issues on both sides, he couldn't see it. He only saw his side. I realize now how he's been since I took a promotion. Often put me down and was not proud of me. He didn't want me to finish grad school because it would take away from my home life, so I didn't. When I would talk about successes at work, he would say he didn't want to talk about work. Then he'd ask me what's for dinner. I offered to fly him to my conferences, meetings, awards ceremonies. He said he didn't want to go because he didn't feel like being by himself when I was in meetings. I told him he could golf, site see, get a massage. And I asked what difference it would make than him being alone in our home?? He could be with me at night and we could do dinner and drinks. Nope. He doesn't like to leave his routine, his friends, his life. I wanted to move since when we got married as I moved into his home. He said no, he likes how his house is. To this day, I've only been allowed to decorate one room- my guest bedroom/office. He hates my new job took me away from taking care of him, cooking and cleaning. He hates that my promotion meant I started making more money than him. He wants someone to follow his routine, his likes, and anyone who deviates doesn't fit. That was me. I was the perfect wife before, and when I starting doing someone for me- he threw me out.

  • I would find it hard to respect a fella like him. Just saying.

  • You deserve better. I hope you divorce his ass!! :)

  • You'll never be happy with him. Divorce him and get another man.

  • He's a j***. He already has another woman. No older guy goes away for a weekend for football unless it's a Super Bowl.

    Don't waste your time with this loser, you might miss out on something great chasing a cad

  • He played football at a very large school, and will go with his old teammates to watch games. It's a big program and people tailgate, so I understand why he attends. The difference is that now he goes away without me. There are usually other wives and girls there and his family all lives in that area, so not unusual for me to go. He's gone twice in 3 weeks and both times said he didn't want me along, just a guys weekend. I'm not doubting maybe he was using it as a cover, or wanted to flirt and hookup. I also know that he stopped bringing me around friends and family, so I have no idea what anyone thinks. He's separated me from everyone. I feel very alone right now.

  • F*** him!! You can do better!! Now get off this website and divorce his ass!! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!! You've tried and you cant try anymore!! What more does he want from you, blood?! Stop blaming yourself and just leave his ass!! You deserve better and you need to realise this, before you drive yourself into a early grave, trying to save a relationship, that's not worth saving!! It's dead and buried, focus on yourself!!

  • I have to agree with commenters below (and having come through a marriage falling apart myself) that there is likely someone else. If there isn't he has likely cheated on you. I don't say this to hurt you. It's just the only way I can see him so completely over the marriage without having tried to fight for the marriage. His behavior is cold, and complete. You need to let this man go because he's already figuratively out the door. You can't win this battle. You need to reach deep inside yourself for courage, and you need to pick up your life and move on. You can also meet someone, and truly be happy. Keep doing all the good things for yourself such as keeping up your appearance and health. This is going to hurt for a long while, and you're going to want to isolate yourself but try not to. Reach out to family and friends. Rebuild a life without him. Make new friends. Don't hide from life, because you'll regret it. But let him go. Sadly, he's no longer your best friend, and he's no longer your husband. I am sorry. <3 good luck sweetheart.

  • For him, he says he became distant because I travel for work and he's become independent of me. He said that him feeling lonely made him grow apart. It hard for me because I have offered to quit my job, take vacations, pay for counseling, etc- all which have been met with a no. I understand how he feels because I also have felt him pull away. No cuddling, no holding hands. Essentially we were friendly roommates. I made him dinners and got dressed up to take him out to try and revive us. He continued to say no, but stayed in the marriage. I know he truly loved me at one point. We were inseparable and best friends for 8 years, then it changed 2 years ago. It has been very bad the last few months, but i haven't given up. I just can't grasp why he wouldn't try and just gave up. I'm very mad I put in so much effort to repair us and he just is walking away. He left the house without saying a word this morning. I am struggling so bad today.

  • My marriage was good for about 7-8 years and my ex started to do the same. He told me he wanted more time apart. He wanted to go out with friends. He wanted me to get my own friends and not bother him so much. He had nothing to talk to me about and told me so. Then he wanted out and didn't want to work on it. After the dust settled, and I finally caught my breath again I moved on and I am so so so much happier. I am single, but I date. I have a nice place. I love my work. I have new friends, and go on new adventures. I feel free and very content in my life. You can be too.

  • Can I ask roughly your age? I'm only curious. No children? I'm in my mid 30's and he's close to 40.

  • I am 36 and I have one child that I had with him. So when he left me it was not just leaving me it was splitting up out child's life too. He's still part of my child's life, and he pays child support. My ex is just a little older than myself. I know it's so raw today, and it will be for quite a long time. I just wanted to put a little light at the end of the tunnel for you. You can do this...as cliche as it is - one step at a time. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be mad, and sad and even feel betrayed. I remember thinking he took vows beside me in front of everyone! How can he do this?! It all passes, but it really just takes time.

  • Thank you for sharing. Right now today it's so raw, I feel unbearable pain. I'm glad to know there is life after this and hope. I just never envisioned a life without him.

  • Terrible story. I hope you make it through this pain. It is an awful thing. I've been through it too. It is best to get a divorce.

    Just know that someday you will be appreciated by someone. Light will shine again.

  • I'm a guy. My wife basically said similar things. Hit me like a steam train. She moved into another bedroom for a while. Only moved back into the main bed room when she saw the devistating effect it had on the kids. So it's really cold and tense now. I feel empty.

    I'm now ready to move out. I need warmth, trust, respect and so on from my partner. I'd hoped to grow old with her but she says she does not see a future for us. She seems to have no interst in trying to make it work.

    In your case, I'd gather your self. Take a deep breath and tell him to leave. Go see a lawyer too.

    Personally I would be hesitant to take him back and I suspect a while before I would be willing to be vulnerable again.

    Also when men leave they usually already have another woman. Sometimes your best female friend. But we are often blind to this.

  • Thank you for the comment. Just talking on this site has helped me through today. I'm appreciative of random strangers caring enough to give advice. It is truly helping.

  • I think you do need to consider the possibillity that there is someone else already. That he is lieing about it to not hurt you more. How old is he? He might be experiencing a mid life crisis. But with how he is treating you, you need to get up, wipe your tears and tell him it's oké. Reverse psychology might do the trick. You being hysteric is exactly what he knew was going to happen. So stay as calm as possible. Go to him and tell him that he is absolutely right that there is no way you can live with a man like him. Return him the favor. You deserve better! Trust me, I had mine back in a month.

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