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Husband fell out of love with me
My husband has fallen out of love with me and has asked for a divorce. It's more than I can handle. There is no other person involved. We starting growing apart 2 years ago. He became more and more distant. Didn't want to go out on dates, started doing more things with his friends without wanting me around, like football games and going to the bars. I've asked do counseling. He said no. He stopped being intimate with me. I've tried everything. I offered to take us on vacation and try to get away, just the two of us. He said this would put a band aid on our issues, and not solve anything. We stopped trying to have children because he said he felt like we had some problems to resolve first before he wanted kids with me. Then he stopped sleeping with me all together. I told him that I felt like a stranger in my own home. He started eating dinner on his own, staying down in his home office later and later. I got my hair done, a professional makeover, starting going to the gym. He just has been looking at me for the last few months like I'm a ghost. And then he said he wants out . No effort on his part.
Just existing in this relationship, while I am
Trying to do all I can to keep us together and fix us!! He is Just completely checked out on his part. He went away for the weekend with his buddies to a college Football
Game, came home Last night and today asked for a divorce. Over text while I was at a work meeting today. I couldn't keep myself
Together on the plane. While I'm driving home from the airport, he sent me messages that it's too late, we shouldn't waste each other's time, and he's too old to be in marriage with someone he doesn't love anymore. When I came home tonight, I asked him if we are really over?? He said, we are over and there is no use in fighting and went to his office and closed the door. I told him this isn't fair and I deserve to be talked to and didn't come out. I'm on our guest room now and beside myself.
I feel lost. I feel devasted. This has been my best friend for 10 years. I know people go through this all the time. I can't understand how you just throw a relationship
away!!! He said he's getting older and doesn't want to waste anymore time. He wants out quickly so he can meet someone so
Maybe he can still start a family.
He turned up the volume on our tv in our bedroom when I started crying. This is not happening!!! Please someone tell
me I will be ok. I am in hysterics right now. I love him so much, I don't believe in divorce and told him I would do whatever he wanted or needed. I feel like someone stabbed me in my chest. I don't know how to get through this and I still cannot believe he is giving up.
Let him go. Divorce him and start a new life with someone else. It sounds to me like you are doing too much for no return. It will get worse as time goes by so let him go and make new plans for yourself.
I will give you bi-racial kids.
** you.
Many of us have given you good advice, probably based on our very own versions of your ** situation. Yet, all you seem to do is give excuses for him or justify why you must respond to his behavior the way you are. Do you actually want advice or not?
I do appreciate the advice. It has been a hard 24 hours. My life has been thrown upside down. I'm just trying to process it all. I've heard everyone's comments, and I am very thankful for the feedback and support.
Unless he can give you very specific reasons why he wants to split up he's cheating I guarantee it. I know. I was that guy 20+ years ago when I split up from my marriage of 5 years. I know you're in pain but this isn't the end of the world. It's time to concentrate on you. Despite what people say there's no such thing as a friendly divorce so you might as well go full-on ** mode and get everything you can out of him.
Before anyone writes me off as a total ** I later married the woman I had been cheating with and we've been happily married for 24 years and I've been 100% faithful to her.
We talked tonight. He said his reasoning is because I have been gone frequently for work, and he feels alone. He said he feels like I treat our home like a hotel and come and go as I please, and don't take ownership anymore-like cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping as much. He said he wants a person to pull their weight 50%, wants an equal, and doesn't want to have to carry my weight. He blames the lack of intimacy on 'emotional issues' and said he hasn't felt the same about me. He insists there is no one else, just that he doesn't love me anymore. He said he cares and will be there for during this transition, but he's too old to spend anymore time in a relationship where he feels he doesn't want to be anymore. As he's approaching 40, wants to move on so he can meet someone. He did say that he wants someone to be home every night and be a home maker and help take care of him. He said he's worried to have children with me because how would I be taking care of them if I don't really take care of him. He truly insists there isn't anyone else, but says he is ready to meet someone and start over before he's too old to be a dad. I don't know. Couldn't it just be our relationship got to be so bad he just wanted out, without cheating? He also said he does recognize I have tried and he's seen improvement, and that he's sorry I felt so neglected physically and emotionally from him. He's admitted he didn't help to fix us. Thank you for your comment. Trying to process everything. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's him. I believe we are both responsible. Either way, he's made it very clear it is over for good.
Wonder when you two had a conversation without him dumping some blame on you. Decent people simply don't do that. Do they.
He said it loud and clear. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. That is all you need to focus on. The autopsy can be conducted and analyzed later when you come out of your stupor. Don't try to read into anything else he is saying. You may be in zombie mode right now, low on sleep and hardly eating. But you have to force yourself to have a little dignity. Yes, even with your heart in pieces, with a tsunami of sadness, and with the shock of the finality, YOU need to accept what he has told you. It's over. Get a lawyer and go your separate way. People all over the world for thousands of years have summoned the courage and faced the horror of heartache from **. Welcome to our club. Now put on your big girl pants and get on with it. Sorry to be so blunt.
Ok he's made it clear he's done. Regardless of how childish and stupid we may think his reasons are he's made his decision. As others have said it's time to think about you and take care of yourself. It's apparently his house so start looking for a place to live. Yes you're heart broken, you feel like a failure, etc. You will get over it. Honestly you're probably going to be much better off without him. I truly hope you move on and find peace because you don't deserve his BS.
Give up on him, he doesn't want to be with you anymore!! Time to leave his **!!
At least you both didn't have children together, because the divorce would affect them, aswell.
Accept it's over and move on.Take time away to shower yourself, with love and kindness.You can do better, than your worthless husband.
I think I read in your other tread how you are away a lot.
Try staying home.
Hey, I got a question. So, he's revealed himself to be a spineless, immature, selfish, and hurtful chunk of **, and has shut the door on your marriage. I get that it hurt you, and you're a good person who got wounded from a backstabbing. But why not go? Just... go. You've given two years of all your best efforts to make it better, and 10 years total, so why another day? He wants you gone, so go. You got a job that lets you travel, for crying out loud, you can do anything you want. It'd be a real shame to let that makeover, gym membership, and free spirit go all for nothing. This is not your burden to bear. It's his, and like the coward he is he's pushing it on to you. Please consider it. If happiness isn't making the most of what you got, what is it? Your hubby seems to think it's from a good football game, or anywhere where it seems the grass is greener. You, on the other hand: still young, good job, smart, cool... go be happy and live a good life! The choice is yours to do penance (carrying out the sentence of self-flagellation for the rest of your days! And you be sure to count each and every reason why you deserve it... report back to husband and he might turn back into Mr Wonderful.. stop me please when that starts sounding silly!), or experiencing your right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Go, while there's still time. That's my advice. Maybe you'll have a fling or two, maybe not, maybe most men are clueless fools like your hubby-duddy. But you'll be free of toxic, negative boy-man and all his football "glory." Dude, I couldn't even type those 2 words together with a straight face. You get to TRAVEL! You're lucky!!!
Regardless of what he says, he is TOTALLY ** somebody else. Prob'ly another guy.
I totally think he's gay too!
Looking forward to the day when you no longer give this jackhole the effort he doesn't deserve.
Wow. If I were to type out what I think of your husband this site would censor it with stars. Needless to say I have a very low opinion of someone like him. I just don't get why people think it's acceptable to treat someone the way he has treated you. He demonstrates no respect or regard for you. How low must a man sink to call his life partner a waste of time. Like you're holding him back from fulfilling his rockstar dreams. I believe his comments about him being too old (which also sounds like he's trying to blame you and put you down for also aging) will come back to haunt him. Does he think that other women will find charm in his boyishly selfish and inconsiderate ways? I'm sure he does. A guy like him usually does, and even might fool a naive girl or two before they start catching up to what a worm he is. I imagine for a while you'll have to listen to him going on about his antics. He's like a pouting teenager in his room. Good grief, give me a break.
He's close to turning 40 and told me that he doesn't want to waste any more time in this relationship because he doesn't want to be an old father and needs enough time to meet someone while he has a chance. Sincerely broke every piece of my heart. I asked him why wouldn't couldn't repair us so WE can have children and be together rather than starting over. He said it's been too long and he doesn't feel the same. He also said my free spirt attitude, travel, and spontaneity doesn't mesh with his very structured and disciplined life. He said he wants to know that I will be home when he is. That I will be responsible for chores and cleaning, and when I'm traveling for work. He's left to do it on his own. He said he's too old and tired to be taking care of the house on his own. He wants me to be here like I used to, have dinner ready and house clean when he's home. Traveling for work gave me a bit of excitement, great places, new experiences. I told him we could take advantage of it together. He said no. When I offered to take us on vacation in the next few weeks to reset the mood, put bathing suits on and have a couple of drinks, maybe do to Miami and try to fall in love again---it only made him mad. He Said throwing something together and being a dreamer isn't real life and he has no interest in going. I was just trying to get us out of this depressing, lonely, sad existence and TRY. He's just done and it makes me ill he didn't put any effort in to save us. Just said I'm not worth it anymore and threw me away like garbage. Maybe I am a dreamer but I wanted to give everything a chance.
Yeah, the 18-24 year-olds are lining up in their quest to be good little Henrietta Housewife for a "structured and disciplined" 40 year-old wash-up with the emotional maturity of a kindergartner, who hides in his bedroom, breaks up with his wife by text. Someone out there's just itching for the chance to cook his dinners, clean his house, make pretty babies for him, and docilely endure his ludicrously pathetic disrespect and hurtful lack of consideration. Any girl would be jumping up and down. He's 40, just divorced, and want to have a baby? Look out, ladies. That guy's totally gangsta. You know, I gotta say though, I'm 42, happily married for 13 years. What he does to you I couldn't imagine doing to my wife. His loss. You have a great job, a free spirit, spontaneous, and willing to do whatever it takes for your man. You should be untouchable to his tainted character. I hope you get your feet back under, realize how much better than him you are, and that he sounds like a real **. Good luck to you, and best wishes.
And another thing. Why are YOU in the guest room? You are not the dog in this scenario. Go back to your own room. Kick him to the guest room. Then to the curb.
He owned the home prior to me moving in. He said I could have one of the guest bedrooms as my office/girl room years ago. Since he went in our bedroom and closed the door, seemed natural that is his space.
He needs to read the book called 5 Love Languages. If he leaves you to start over, he will keep doing the same thing to everyone seeking to be fulfilled when in reality, he is the problem. You did nothing wrong. Marriages have stages, he just does not have the patience, consideration, or unconditional love to stick with you through those stages. If he is actually cheating then, that's a whole different story. If he's not and he just gave up on the marriage then, he really needs to read that book!
He doesn't want to. He doesn't love her anymore. Finis.
Please go to Chumplady blog. And don't be so naive. He wants **. Just not from you. He doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend with you. Some of Chump Lady's advice:
What does the humiliating dance of “pick me!” look like?
* Mounting a defense of the marriage – trying to hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.
* Eating the ** sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.
* Believing that the cheater’s need for “happiness” is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage AND a side dish ** because they aren’t “happy.”
* Let’s make a deal! Don’t make a bargain with the Devil – as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy and fix what’s wrong, they won’t betray you.
* Super spouse! Having hysterical bonding **, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier. If you’re trying to be a better you to “win,” you’re just rewarding them. Be a better you for YOU. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.
* Finally, don’t beg. Don’t grab their ankles as they walk out the door. Don’t drape yourself over furniture weeping. Let them go.
Hey this is as honest as someone can get .. how come women want truth & honesty but cant't handle it? Some women act like a new life will destroy them .. then when they meet someone new & got a new lease on life then its a whole different ball game ..
It's just hard when I've spent majority of my life with this man, and I thought we would have a family. I understand what you are saying and appreciate the comment. I should accept his honesty. It is very difficult to do. We are both in our 30's, so there is time. I just don't want anyone else.
"When someone tells you who they are, believe them." (Maya Angelou). ...Now walk away with a shred of dignity. He fell in love with a confident woman who knew her worth. His behavior has driven you to chip away at your own self worth. Little by little by little. Now you are unrecognizable to him. Get yourself together and tell him to get the ** out. There may come a day when he wishes he could have you back. Right now this may be hard for you to believe, but by that time you won't want him.