I hate my step kids - Feeling STUCK

My main question is “How do I stop hating my step children?” I can’t control my anger every time they are even around. I have tried and tried to figure out why I am holding such anger against them because sometimes they don’t even have to do anything wrong and I am angry at them.
I think the main reason is because I blame them for ruining what I wanted to be “my happy life from here on out” Everyone says “You knew your husband had these kids before you married him, so accept them. It was a package deal when you married him.” I know that and I prefer not to hear it every time I try to figure this out.
I have my own children that I love and admire. One is now an adult, away at school and has made me very proud and one is my heart and takes a lot of energy working with him and his autism. I have accepted my son’s disability and admire his strength to stay happy. I have no expectations to ever not have my son live with me. This is my personal hurdle I already have come to terms with and accept.
However, when I married I took on 2 young children now 5 and 6, my husband substantially younger than me, I wasn’t thinking about anything other than how much I love that man, strong focus on my romantic relationship and denying the inevitable truth that I was about to be a step mom. I love him deeply, my soulmate, my everything. Now I face every day the thoughts of having to raise his children until I am close to 60. Every day has been dictated on whether or not we have “the boys”. No honeymoon, no vacation can be planned. Their mother didn’t want them when she and my husband divorced so he has primary custody. She does get them on Thursday nights and every other weekend, but this isn’t always consistent. She pulls out of long term visits with the kids like spring break, Thanksgiving, Christmas and summer break. We cannot have the life I envision for my husband and I. I hate them for it.
I don’t care if you are thinking I sound selfish, so what if I am? It is my life and only I can judge me.
The “boys” no matter how hard I try, they continue to not listen to me, feels like it is on purpose at times. The older is now old enough to understand 1 point instruction for sure, but if I say it, it wasn’t heard. They act like crazy animals in public, in karate, at either grandparent’s homes when we visit even though both their father and I give them stern warnings to behave. Time outs and all other modern methods including therapy do not work. I hate them for it.
Here is what I feel every day: I hate them, I want them gone from my life, why doesn’t their mom step up and take her kids, why are they such little jerks? Why won’t they listen to a word I say? Why do I continue to keep trying to please them and do nice things for them? Why can’t they behave after lectures, after punishments, after seeing the anger in our eyes and frustration. Sometimes I lay in bed praying so hard that their mother will run off with them. That she might one day want her children. I hate them. The older one with his high pitched squeaky voice or screaming growls and complaining constantly that something hurts pierces my brain, sucking on cups and water bottles as if he is still a baby. He is has now returned to pull ups, wetting the bed everynight out of pure laziness. He says he is too tired, well I am tired of cleaning up his p*** every morning. He is so frail and yet the violence I have witnessed him do to his younger brother when he thinks no one is looking makes me feel he is evil, he cannot understand what he has done wrong even if you spell it out and loves to make excuses or give answers that he believes will please his father instead of really believing or wanting to practice to be a better person. He is becoming the king of excuses and blame. The younger with his smart ass attitude always working his hardest to push the limits and purposefully oppose me with a smirk on his face glaring at me makes me believe that children do in fact know what they are doing. Sometimes it is worse after a visit with their mother and then sometimes not so I can’t even blame her when that would make it all easier in my head to do so.
The only time I feel a slight piece of peace is during July when they spend a portion of the month with their mother. Even then, I walk past their room, I can smell the putrid smell of old p*** and dirty boys in their room. See their abundance of toys and mess. I still stress out. One summer they came back and that same day I had such a bad anxiety attack, I saw paint dripping off the walls. I now medicate regularly for anxiety yet have not found anything helpful with it. I am addicted to having to have that pill to even sleep now. Again, another reason I hate them.
Their grandmother will not even watch them unless their aunt or grandfather are there to take care of them. She gets upset that I feel this way towards them and has laid into me for it however she won’t spend a day alone with them either. She takes off half the time to do personal errands or catering to herself while the kids are left with Auntie and PawPaw.
Again, you can go on and on about how they are just kids. I don’t want to hear it. I really don’t care what anyone has to say about this because the purpose of this rant is for me to express how I feel which is real and not to hear anyone’s opinion and no matter how you try to spin it, I hate them.
Then I go back to the thoughts of how I love my husband and try to find it in myself to get past this.
But I have at least 14 more years! How can I do this? How can I let this be the last of my years to enjoy life be like this? I am not of great health. I would be shocked if I am around to see the “boys” even graduate. This thought terrifies me.
I would be devastated losing my husband, but wouldn’t that be better? It wouldn’t just be a sad loss for me, but for my son Jack as well. My husband and my biological child who is 13 absolutely love each other. This is the hardest part to think about. My son connected and admires his stepfather.
I have shared my feelings with my husband, I have expressed my resentment and anger and frustration over his children. He still loves me so perfectly and I am so lucky that he is such an understanding loving soul. He sees that I still treat them and take care of them and all their needs. My husband loves his children so I will do all I can to take care of them to the best of my ability. I am not inhuman, I am just not happy they exist. Can anyone relate? Does anyone feel what I feel? How can this get better without any loss?
I don’t know what to do, I just can’t comprehend my husband not being in my life and seeing him move on. I have never loved someone so much or even though it could be possible to love this deeply. I continue to make this sacrifice on my sanity daily only to have my husband remain in my life however I dream of a life without those children as if it was a fantasy.
---stressed out stepmother 

Mar 8, 2017

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  • I completely agree. I have 3 stepchildren and I struggle everyday with my decision to marry my wife. They are completely disrespectful and annoying. I wish they would go to their father permanently as well. I thought I was the only person that had these feelings and it sucks to not be able to express yourself without being unfairly judged by others. Thank you for your post

  • You're a total and completely pathetic piece of trash, and if you ruin those children that's on you.

  • Shut the f*** up....go suck a d***....do you have step kids if not....get the f*** outta here

  • Follow up to my previous comment. What you have in front of you is a challenge. I reread your confession and i did miss about 3 paragraphs in the middle. I can not stress to you how those anxiety pills the Doctor has prescribed for you does nothing to help your situation. Its a mind game the pills may make you feel better for a moment but they do nothing towards fixing your problem. They are highly addictive and eventually you will gain a tolerance and you will feel 100 times worse The Dad has to step up and be the bad guy and when toys are on the floor they go in the garbage after a certain point. If he is peeing the bed at that age its not lazy he is telling you that because its easy. You said they are good liars sometimes boys start peeing there bed because they got use to hold there pee because they did not want to go in a bathroom because something wicked happened one night when they got up to go pee. Now he is holding it and does not even realize it when he is in a safe environment. There is something else going on i suspect it is occurring at his mothers house. When boys were already trained to use the toilet and suddenly they start peeing in the bed there is something else going on. He won't say it or come forward it could be embarrassing threats could have been made to him etc, next The way he is violent to his younger brother the way you explained it exercising dominance over him in such an evil way is another red flag. See someone is or has exercise abusive dominance could be a number of things Physical abuse, severe mental abuse, but sadly more than likely sick perverted abuse or a combination of all over him. We live in a world with sick people that do sick things. Single mom's are quick to bring men into the home that they don't even know. Moms that are clueless and even happens right under the nose of a decent mother who puts her kids first, Something is going on observe him more carefully as well as the younger brother.

  • You mentioned prayer so am going to say this .. Praying for such is better to rub a jennie bottle and ask for a wish. God does not operate in that way. You have to pray for Strength, wisdom, words of knowledge. We find ourselves in situations like yours as a test you are the adult , you have a 5 and 6 year old you have many years of experience much more knowledge much more ability. Open the bible up let the boys see you reading it read out loud , make a difference by example. If you have negative thoughts keep it to yourself and ask God for strength. Everything you tell the grandmother or family it goes right back to the kids. Your husband must step up rules and obedience and learning to communicate must begin NOW, or you better pack your bags and move on before you end up waking up one day with a Knife stuck in you. Something bad has happened to that older boy something and with that evil riding on him, plus his ag gression and his refusal to do what you tell him to do is not going to fix itself its going to get worse real fast and will regret that you did not leave or put your foot down NOW TODAY stop taking the ah everything is going to be ok pill fall asleep and deal with it tomorrow , regain your resolve , remember regret always comes at the end. Don't regret that your blood son who needs you in his life maybe not now but he will need you to think he was cheated out of that opportunity as you take your final breath because your step son who was sexually abused by some wicked man his mom brought home was over looked and the last couple weeks you have had this unnatural abomination engulfing your soul and you even went as far as posting a complete assessment of your situation not asking for help but to simply vent even stating that you don't want help your just venting.

  • You have to put your step children's needs in front of your wants and desires. Fake it to make it. Just keep telling yourself over and over that you want to make this children so happy and follow through on that. Look at the benefit you have an opportunity to impact their lives in a good way. The benefits would be ever lasting. You may want to go do this and that for yourself whatever it is that you want to do instead think of something you can do one on one with one of the children for example if it is a boy you could take him to a car show every town has a car show and they are usually free. Disregard the actions of other people use it as a motivator that you do not want to be like them mom. Praise God that you are in there life because if they did not have you they would have only the Dad. The more you do with them and find happiness with them you will never need another sleeping pill again. Those pills become addictive they make it where you need them all the time. Toys and things maybe thrown about and messy they are children that is what children do. You have the power to be a leader and with your beautiful mind you can solve all those problems. If you can't imagine your life without the husband then imagine it 14 years from now with no body sitting in a room at some senior citizens home looking out the window all day. Nobody calling to check up on you or talk to you. All alone because you thought what you wanted to do for you was more important i promise you with everything it is not even near as important of this current role that you have found yourself in that you did not ask for and currently feel you do not want. You want that Husband and he is a package deal. You must of known that and you know deep down inside this is something you can do. Stop the sleeping pills, stop any drugs that affect your mind or mood. Positive thoughts make positive actions. Your negative thoughts negative talks, and negative actions drain your energy reduces life.

  • You have come to the right place to vent! It's definitely helpful to get it out there, but at some point venting only does so much. What's happening now is not working. It's clear that you are unhappy and the children as well. Happy children do not act out..well typically. There's a reason for their behavior. So whatever that is, it must be figured out. An action plan needs to created and put into place so that you can find peace in your situation. And also a plus side would be having a healthy and happy relationship with your step sons. You and your husband must work together to do just that. It sounds like he supports you. Does he think anything is off or needs to be tweaked? What happens when the boys act out? Who disciplines? Do they listen to him and ignore you? Does he ever undermine you? They are young kids at this point, it's a good age that they should be minding you and you can correct this behavior. You know maybe them seeing their mother is not really helping the situation. As important as she is to them ..(regardless of how she is as a person), it's an important relationship. But do they come back from a visit worse? If so, something is going that may be the reason for their behavior. You mentioned the older boy is peeing in the bed at at night. Although he is still young, I've read that it can be a result of something happening? Is there a lot of yelling in either household? If anything, maybe going to a family therapist again to see what tools can help you and your husband co parent. This is going to take some time. Go to a therapist for yourself as well. Because it would be helpful to learn some tools so you can deal with these issues and find balance and peace in your life.

  • I bought 3 stepchilds and none of them work like spossed to so sending them back.

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