I've lost control
I have felt absolutely empty for the past couple years and have had constant struggles with finding ambition/motivation. My whole life I've been so focused on other people, that I have lost any desire to keep myself going independently. I honestly can't tell whether I want anything, or if it's just what I've convinced myself would make the people around me most happy. I fail to see any purpose in my existence, no matter how hard I've even tried to make my own, I continue to constantly fail at everything I have tried in my life. I constantly fail to help my Depressed friends, as their problems seem to continue to get worse, most of them have tried to take their lives multiple times. I've considered death many times but I'm too scared to do it myself in case I fail. I don't know if my friends would ever want to talk to me about their problems again if I survived a suicide. sometimes I get so distressed I go into a blind panic attack and wake up covered in cuts and bite mark indents on my arms and legs.