It's a bit long: true venting

Okay only way i can really start this is by telling you who i am, i'm a twenty year old male who's in college, i'm trying to become a high school history teacher. okay now to start venting, all my friends and family see me as a serious/ happy person who just wants to make everyone smile and feel good about them selves, well they're mostly right. i like making others feel better, it makes me feel a little twitch in my chest every time, i feel like it gives me a purpose, i'm helping people get over their problems and every time i turn around the corner some seems to come running up to me with a new one. what they are all wrong about is me being a happy person, i'm not, every day i put on a fake smile and greet everyone, why, because i'm an unhappy person, why, because i help every one with their problems, but no one was around when i needed their help.
i have been unhappy since i was about six or seven years old, my dad ran off with a co-worker of his after cheating on my mom for several years, for the next three years i was constantly blaming myself, my school at the time didn't care, and told my mom that it wasn't their job to help me get over emotional issues that didn't concern the school. years later i ran into a group of jerks during high school who gave me a hard time every day, and even stopped a girl i liked from talking to me, from that day on! i hated every one, i was constantly screaming silently in my head at everyone, i even wanted to lash out at people, but my better half held me back.
in more recent years i've started thinking differently, my mind seems all over the place, like i don't have the brain of a guy. when most guys look at a girl with short shorts they start hitting on her and won't stop looking at her ass, me, i just sit their look at what got everyone's attention and just don't care. instead my brain seems to work in ways that s**** around with me, i think more like a girl, and wish half the time that i was a girl just to stop this feeling. my friends and family all think this type of thing is un-natural and against the works of god, s what would they say if i told them this? i just don't know. the only person who would have accepted this i found out has a friend who moved away and for the same reason, his reaction to it "he's a freak", i've got no one.
i don't understand half of myself, no one does, and it is driving me crazy, all i have ever wanted was for someone to listen, i've tried with my mom but it never works, all i get is an "it'll be okay down the road", okay fine i'll take that like a punch to the face, i sit down and listen too you and every other persons problems but i try to get some level of respect to try and understand me but no that's just to f****** much for people! i'm tired and i want to give up on so many things, life is one of them, but every day i get up and ever problem in my life flick's in my head, and still no one is their to help me, so i get up and hope that today is the day someone helps me, that's what makes me get up in the morning, when i sleep i hope that i don't wake up, but with my luck that is asking to much clearly. if some one is really out there, i wish they'd just show up all ready.


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  • Freak.

  • There is a girl out there for you. Trust and believe that. But you need to do some work on yourself first. You need someone to talk to. Work through the anger you feel about your dad and let the stuff go about high school. Know that most of this stuff has little to do with you and all to do with them. And yes, it's hard to do, but it will benefit you in the long run. It's weird how high school stuff sticks with us. People act out in ways that don't always make sense and sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and find a way to forgive. Like those douchebags in high school. They were probably all insecure snots and because they were together thought they could bully you. You sound very sensitive and trusting, and that's why your friends and family feel so comfortable confiding in you. Some of what you're feeling, is just par for the course of being a young male and going to college. Figuring out your place in the universe. You just need to build up your confidence..again, don't give up it will happen. People aren't mind readers. If you mask your feelings with a smile, people don't know to ask more questions. Sometimes you have to open up, be vulnerable and ask for help. Be honest about that, it's important.

  • Well it doesn't need to be a girl, but thanks that part is comforting. i get what your saying with i need to be confident and ask for help, but it's difficult since i'm really shy by nature, and i have a enormous fear of judgment from any one even if i have known them for the majority of my life, so putting on a fake smile is really my only defense for that phobia, and i do hate it. letting go of the hate for the people from high school, is a bit complicated since the biggest contributor committed suicide before i could confront him, and the others i have no idea where they went so it feels like i've been cheated out of telling them what i think. my dad i have no idea where he is, plus every time i start to forget my mom remind's about him by calling me him when i s**** up or we get a bill collector calling us at 2:00 A.M. asking for him. also i hate being vulnerable, because it seems like every time i let someone get close something happens and i feel like s*** and just want to get away from every one and everything, i just hate people in general it seems. i'm just tired of the bull s*** that seemingly keeps coming my way. but i am a little glad that you actually took my venting seriously. thanks.

  • Sure. Well you have to start somewhere, and venting is a good start. Try to start looking at situations from different perspectives. Things change as your outlook changes. It is a a day by day process, somethings don't get resolved overnight. So be patient. Like the kids in high school. You've been holding on to that anger and hurt for a long time. Chances are if you were to find the guys and tell them how you feel, you may or may not get the response you're looking for. The reality, they may remember, or understand the how their actions impacted you, or just not ready to apologize. The fact that the ring leader has committed suicide, almost speaks volumes as to the reasons why he may have bullied you. For someone to commit suicide, they must be very unhappy, lost, depressed etc. Instead of feeling like you can't confront him, another option is to forgive him. And for a cathartic exercise write a letter to him, it's a small step that is intended to begin help heal you. Truthfully, who likes to be vulnerable? It's uncomfortable. It makes you face things that you don't want to. But it's necessary to get close to others, including yourself. Judging..yea, not fun. But I will say, as you get older you do begin to care less and less about what people think about you. Because what matters more is what you think about yourself. Everyone has an opinion. But in the grand scheme of things if someone says something negative, are they even worthy to be in your life? People who say negative things, it is more of a reflection of them than you. Wearing a smile isn't a false statement. You said you liked school and want to be a history teacher. That's awesome. There are total a******* in the world who make you wonder how humanity even exists. And there are awesome people that explain why humanity does exist. Take stock in the good people you have around you, because that's all you need.

  • I'm not going to lie too you, i started to tear up half way through reading this, it means more to me then you can imagine. you are correct that i need to look at things from different perspectives, i usually try to, but your right i need to do that more often. but the ring leader of my high school bullies is a bit complicated, he committed suicide because he spent the majority of his money and as such figured that he had nothing left, so yeah that's his deal, the others though if i ever do meet them again your right i should talk to them and see if they understand what they put me through, and that is all i can hope for. your right about it being what i think of myself is more important then what others think, but i've been beating myself up for so long that it's hard too find anything positive about myself. but i'll have to try. honestly in the few times you've answered my post, it's helped me out so much. i'm not kidding that while i'm typing this i'm actually crying on my keyboard. thank you so much.

  • You're very welcome. I'm glad it helped. I didn't mean to make you cry. I trust they were manly tears and didn't short out the keyboard :-). You just have to work towards coming to terms with things (relationships, feelings etc) in your life. Accepting what you can control, what you can't. Creating healthy boundaries and speaking up for what you need and want. None of this is easy, but it sounds like you're open to new ways of thinking about things. And that can only be positive. Oh and please stop the self bullying. It's hard and we all do it but it doesn't get us anywhere. Deep down you know you're awesome. All your friends know.. now you just have to believe that.

  • I'm being dead serious when i say this, you should be a councilor, you actually listened to me, helped me, and took it as a serious thing. i'm glad that i posted my frustrations on this site, it really does mean a lot to me. also don't worry, as you can see my key board is fine, and i'm getting better.
    thank you.

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