I want to disappear

I am a person who views my immediate reality as something I’ve created for myself. The people in it. The friends. The co-workers. My hobbies and habits. My own awkward self awareness. This feels hard to put out into the world because if I say it, Its essentially real. I cannot tell if I am becoming more of my higher self by accepting what is around me at the moment, or that I am not because I am not doing more to propel my life in a different direction. I’m with someone who I truly love and desire. Saying that felt cheesy but I believe it and am living it and feeling it. I want to love everyone around me. I believe I do. I love everyone for who they are as human beings. The problem is that I want to leave them all and make new more amazing friends, but I’m afraid that I, myself am not worthy, since I am not being active in friendships I have. I don’t know what is right. Do I simply have attachments? Do I not want to spend energy on people I essentially don’t think are worthy somewhere deep down? Is that judgemental? Is that smart? I am not sure that I am a great friend. I would never hurt anyone, but I forget birthdays. I forget about the friends I have. I think about myself a lot I suppose.. I interrupt unintentionally. Maybe it’s a mix of ADD, undiagnosed aspie, anxiety, depression, no boundaries, heavy boundaries I’ve unintentionally manifested, my nutrition, my insecurities, or anything really. I understand that first I just feel that I am something specific or that I feel a specific feeling, that those that are a match will be in my world. I just don’t understand why I feel that I’ve come so far and yet I’m further away from what I thought felt good to me. I feel like I strayed but came closer? Law of the universe is at work and I’m waiting to see what happens and trying to listen to my intuition. But sometimes I want to drop everyone I know because I’m probably hiding from myself. Hope this makes sense. It’s like a vibrational manic depression. The life I have currently demands a certain vibration from me. I am keeping it alive. I want to morph. I want to not change, but become closer to who I am at a core. The more I see of life, the less I know myself because I can relate to everything. This is a burden but also so freeing. Then I think of that Sylvia Plath poem I read a long time ago about the fig tree. I don’t know anything. I almost feel like I’ve strayed so far from my vortex that I am just lost and lonely although I have people I can talk to. I know I can love deeply. I just don’t care much for a lot of people around me, even people I call friends. I can’t tell if I’m truly kidding myself with everything I’ve manifested, or if I am actually living as the person I’m meant to be... it can’t be the latter. I feel awkward and their has to be a reason. I know there are people I click with absolutely. I will join group activities in the future and try to be really present. I don’t even know who you people are. I’m probably being ungrateful. At the core, I can’t tell if my ego is in charge or not, or if I’m being authentic. Maybe authenticity is not the issue here. It’s who I’m being authentic to. The end. Lol

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