I want to disappear

I am a person who views my immediate reality as something I’ve created for myself. The people in it. The friends. The co-workers. My hobbies and habits. My own awkward self awareness. This feels hard to put out into the world because if I say it, Its essentially real. I cannot tell if I am becoming more of my higher self by accepting what is around me at the moment, or that I am not because I am not doing more to propel my life in a different direction. I’m with someone who I truly love and desire. Saying that felt cheesy but I believe it and am living it and feeling it. I want to love everyone around me. I believe I do. I love everyone for who they are as human beings. The problem is that I want to leave them all and make new more amazing friends, but I’m afraid that I, myself am not worthy, since I am not being active in friendships I have. I don’t know what is right. Do I simply have attachments? Do I not want to spend energy on people I essentially don’t think are worthy somewhere deep down? Is that judgemental? Is that smart? I am not sure that I am a great friend. I would never hurt anyone, but I forget birthdays. I forget about the friends I have. I think about myself a lot I suppose.. I interrupt unintentionally. Maybe it’s a mix of ADD, undiagnosed aspie, anxiety, depression, no boundaries, heavy boundaries I’ve unintentionally manifested, my nutrition, my insecurities, or anything really. I understand that first I just feel that I am something specific or that I feel a specific feeling, that those that are a match will be in my world. I just don’t understand why I feel that I’ve come so far and yet I’m further away from what I thought felt good to me. I feel like I strayed but came closer? Law of the universe is at work and I’m waiting to see what happens and trying to listen to my intuition. But sometimes I want to drop everyone I know because I’m probably hiding from myself. Hope this makes sense. It’s like a vibrational manic depression. The life I have currently demands a certain vibration from me. I am keeping it alive. I want to morph. I want to not change, but become closer to who I am at a core. The more I see of life, the less I know myself because I can relate to everything. This is a burden but also so freeing. Then I think of that Sylvia Plath poem I read a long time ago about the fig tree. I don’t know anything. I almost feel like I’ve strayed so far from my vortex that I am just lost and lonely although I have people I can talk to. I know I can love deeply. I just don’t care much for a lot of people around me, even people I call friends. I can’t tell if I’m truly kidding myself with everything I’ve manifested, or if I am actually living as the person I’m meant to be... it can’t be the latter. I feel awkward and their has to be a reason. I know there are people I click with absolutely. I will join group activities in the future and try to be really present. I don’t even know who you people are. I’m probably being ungrateful. At the core, I can’t tell if my ego is in charge or not, or if I’m being authentic. Maybe authenticity is not the issue here. It’s who I’m being authentic to. The end. Lol

Jul 5, 2020

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