Mental health is depleting, I don't know how much longer I have.

Manipulative and controlling? Yes
Desperation for love? Yes
Chasing superiority? Yes

My ignorance towards the feelings of others and arrogance of my own has depleted my happiness and harmed the happiness of my friends.

My brain is pre-wired to make these same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Should I just prevent myself from contacting the people I value again for their best interests?

Loneliness will breed inside of me but removing myself from those I love will act as a precautionary measure so I don't hurt them anymore.

My 18 years of life and existence, I've been ignorant and arrogant to the point of naturally neglecting the importance of reciprocity and consolidation. The examples I've recalled in my life lead me to arguing that my friends are better off without me harming them. I'm really trying to think objectively here, but this is all I can think about. Anyone else would call this filtering,
but they haven't recalled the memories of my life.

I value virtuous friendships as one of the most important things in my life, and so does Aristotle. I, even Aristotle, believe internal happiness is the ultimate goal of many, including my friends. If I inevitably result in harming this goal in mind of my friends, with them only trying to be happy with me, do I deserve them? Do I deserve the enjoyment of being surrounded by friends even with the negativity I bring? No, that would be selfish of me; I've said I'm arrogant.

With philosophers such as Aristotle and many other people with expertise in the matter, pointing out the sins of happiness that I've committed, what choice do I have but to accept that I'm an arrogant, ignorant, and inept human who doesn't deserve the opportunities given to him.

I wish someone could come and save me. Someone could come and tell me that what I'm saying isn't true. Telling me that I'm only fixated on this point in life. Maybe this is my desperation for love I seek so much, evidence that I'm unwilling to change my traits of neediness and attention seeking.

The only term I've come to inherit over these past months: loneliness.

Life can only go downhill from here with these objective truths I believe. If only I held the ability to change the curse of my pre-wired actions, constantly harming others. I don't have the ability, and I've tried.

Whoever I decide to send this to will probably have plenty of answers, but I'm too much of a coward to uncover my anonymity. I'm too scared to point out my vulnerabilities, which others can just use to exploit my mind. Call it trust issues I guess. This only feeds the feeling I get of inevitability with the position I'm in. But it makes me feel the slightest bit better knowing someone read this. Whoever you are, thank you.

Oct 18, 2020

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