Finding Courage

QUESTION: How do you overcome your insecurity and no whether or not you love someone?

Preface: I am gay that likes a schoolmate of mine and he likes me back. Our relationship happened by pure luck; we happened to see each other a lot in the the hallways and I would subconsciously stare at him. I don't know who liked each other first, but after that I think he then had a crush on me. He got frustrated and I had a moment of infactuation in response, solidifying the reality that I liked him. I constantly told myself he was a **, but had potential for his outside factors like intelligence, power, etc. From then on we had a series of moment where we tried asking each other out but we couldn't do it. That was a year ago and I'm going on to the New School Year.

I'm telling you the backstory to highlight that this is a very long, or at least to me, a very long series of interactions that frankly did not give anything of value. Because of this I'm doubting whether I even like him or not. I think he cares a lot more about me then I do. Everytime I do something, it's in response to him doing something. I played stupid games and promising I would be there with him while I automatically shut down and avoid him whenever he does approach me.

To make things worse, the whole school knows we like each ither since the person i like is very straight passing, adding to the barriers for me to be bold. Ultimately, I need advice on how to harness the courage within me.

I can tell he cares about me since he went and went to school an hour early just to see me. And I ** it up by not giving anything I return. I feel really ** for not returning what he deserves, but at the same time it's not about returning right? It's about just wanting to hang out with him. But I don't know how to express my feelings for him. And to be honest I don't even know what my feelings are. I care very much about maintaining good relationships, but this comes at the expense of my desire to not live a life of lies. Someone please help give advice on how to overcome ur insecurities! I hate cutting people off, since I am a very agreeable person. Yet I also kinda hate staying in this relationship because I feel like I'm hurting him with my own flaws and living in a lie.

Sorry for the large baggage dumped but I just need advice on how to move change with my outlook towards myslefy and how to manifest courage. Thanks.

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