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I hate being a beautiful woman
I wasn’t always pretty. I was a fat, short goth nerd with an attitude problem and a quick wit. Because I thought I could never be beautiful I decided to make my brains and acts of service and talents my main stchick. Then I got bullied for it by a pageant queen that people would mistake her for me. That confused me. I went home that sophomore summer and bench pressed, learned how to be pretty and between puberty and spite; I became as beautiful as I could. My friends didn’t change because they liked me for who I was and now it’s nice that I’m cute. I became the popular one, but I never let it get to my head because I only knew myself as ugly. Fast forward. As an adult, I have never met a man (not trying to put men down, just stateing my experience) who if they had any interactions where they weren’t forced to, it always ends in “have ** with me”. I say no because I thought I found someone cool who’s a great friend and helping me out financially, I’m helping them out with like chores and managing work where we work together. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to have sec and I’m like great. It isn’t until I start dating and come to the crib and try to express how excited I was where he got very agressive. Strips every ounce of help he was giving me. We don’t get paid where we work, it’s rent trade. And to boot, just a few days before that, he got the whole team fired. Now we don’t have a place, and between the job loss and the big fight, he was saying nah I gotcha, don’t stress, there’s other ways of making money. And now I have less than six days to get 1 grand for rent, my birthday is in 5 days, 3 days ago I learned my favorite uncle and my adopted dad are ** sympathizers, and these were the men I loved and trusted. To boot the same day I learn that, I also learn the favorite uncle has stage four bone cancer and he’s got maybe 2 years. And finding out my brother dropped out, and my other brother is being a idiot in some Midwest state. I’m in the pacific all alone right now, no hopes no prospects and no Mr. Darcy. At least I’m not a burden unto my parents. I almost jumped out the high rise today, i was stopped because I started choking on my tear boogers sliding down my throat.
IN ALL OF THIS I always question, if I was a man, I feel like people would try to interact with me not with the intent of getting with me. I wish I was still ugly. I want to mar my face and beautiful body so the next time I fully open up to someone, I know they like my brain. Does any other woman feel like the way i do? And what do I do? I don’t want to lose his friendship but he’s convinced it’s done, even though I thought we had such a wonderful long friendship. I don’t want to let him slip down the drain. He is a good man but how do I stay his friend and convince him it can be the same, and he can love me! But just I don’t want Eros or mania love ya know? Please help me
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