I've always been a pretty confident
I've always been a pretty confident girl and I'm not quite sure how this happened to me. I can't even remember exactly how it started. I had never really paid attention to people's sizes, not even my own. Then one day a girl commented that I was really thin. I went home and looked in the mirror and relized that I was pretty thin, but never worked out or anything. It made me kind of happy and confident. It also made me self con.
I have been struggling to please my mom for a couple years now, so that I was thin made me happy. I thought that my mom could finally be proud of me. I began to get scared though that I might become fat and then my mom wouldn't be proud any more.
I began to look In the mirror and see things differently. I always walked away unsatisfied and hurt, because I thought that I was losing the one thing that I had. I started to think that I was fat and became more and more upset. Finally, i decided that I had to do something.
I sat in the bathroom for a long time and just thought about what I wad about to do. I knew that I was smarter than this and I heard of people being seriously injured by it. Finally, I gave in and forced myself to throw up. It was actually pretty hard at first. Afterwards though, I felt so happy, like I was loved again by my mom.
I told myself that I was never to do that again, but soon found myself in the bathroom purging after every time I ate anything. It became a part of my life and made me happy. I started purging when I was hurt too, like when my mom told me that I was a failure.
No one caught on for a while, although I did get several comments though on my size and weight being small. That always made me want to try harder. It was getting crazy after about a year, when I found myself crying over a toilet, wishing I had never started this mess.
I've always tried to be there for others and help them. People tell me that I'm the only person that they've never seen cry or mad and can always go to. I want help so much, but if I say anything then everyone I know won't feel stable anymore if they see me hurt. I've never opened up to anyone about anything before and now I'm stuck. I can't sleep and I passed out once. Please help me, I feel really alone and stuck.
I'm sorry this is so long, I really did leave out a lot. This started when I was 12 and now I'm 15. I don't want to continue like this, but I can't stop. I can not turn to my parents and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know. I am 5'4" and weigh 88 pounds. Is that annarexic? Please, I want help.