Wanting / not wanting the babysitter
After 7 years of marriage, my wife and I separated. She moved into her own place about two months ago. She's 36, I just turned 40. Splitting up was her idea, but it's a big relief. Separation paperwork will be filed as soon as I can afford it.
We're still on friendly terms. She's already moved on to new relationships, and I'm ready to do the same. We still see each other 4 or 5 times each week, but only because we have two children (ages 3 and 5) and we're staying active in their lives; they spend half their time at each home.
I live in a small community: 24 units in a condo association. I know all my neighbors, and they all know me, my kids, and my (soon to be ex) wife. The problem is the babysitter... "Amy" is 23, She's in a masters program (psychotherapy). She lives with her mom in the community. Amy comes across as meek and naive at first, but she has some mature emotional intelligence that she keeps mostly to herself.
Amy's been babysitting my kids for about a year. Amy started flirting with me a week after my wife moved out. I've been up front: I don't want a relationship with her... but I keep finding myself wanting to have a fling. I still depend on her for babysitting (now more than ever) and since we're neighbors the potential for drama is very high.
We've fooled around a little, but haven't had s**. Now I'm having second thoughts about all of it. Part of me wants to go further, but another part of me doesn't. Amy knows I'm conflicted, and suggested we keep everything on the down-low so the neighbors and ex/wife don't find out.
I keep kicking myself for wanting a secret affair -- with a girl almost half my age! -- but I was really lonely in my marriage, and it feels really nice to feel desired again. And I could really use some fun right about now. I'm not sure if this would end in flames or help my confidence.
Or am I making a big deal out of something that doesn't need to be a big deal?