I am horrible
I don't even know where to begin here.
I just got to college a few months ago. After getting here, I met two girls. Well, I met more people than those two girls, but those two girls are the focus of this story. Let's call them "Ann" and "Belle"
So, I met Belle first, because she was in one of my classes and what-not. She quickly became one of my best friends here at the school. We liked a lot of the same humor and movies and interests and such, so we hung out a lot. We started dating for a very short period of time, but I had some personal issues I was dealing with, and I needed time to myself to work them out, so I told her I was calling it quits for now, and she understood and was fine with it.
Now, in the meantime, I met Ann. Ann is just wonderful. She's basically like a female version of myself. It's scary how identically our minds work somethimes. She's beautiful and funny and quirky and I dare any straight man to spend five minutes with her without falling helplessly in love with her. I was confused enough with my feelings for her and my currently frozen relationship with Belle that I had every intention of returning to as it was. Unfortunately, fate, or some other all-powerful force that likes making my life difficult, decided that it wasn't enough to do that.
A stray comment I made to Ann in passing got interpreted entirely the wrong way, and she ended up getting mad at me. I tried to reconcile, but every attempt just made it worse until she flat-out hated me. I swore to God that if He just helped me get back her friendship, I would be happy. I didn't care about not being able to date her if the alternative was not having her in my life at all.
And so after about 5 months of Ann hating me, I decided it was best to move on with my life, and so I started dating Belle again. I was really truly happy to be back with her. I do have strong feelings for Belle, you must understand.
Now, here's where the problems hit. Around the same time Belle and I started talking about getting back together, Ann got herself a boyfriend. And they're just so in love and perfect together and I want to hate him so badly, but he's just so nice I just wanna hug him and I hate myself for wanting to hug him when I should want to punch him. And naturally, shortly after this happened, I managed to work out an apology to Ann that didn't go over horribly, and with a h*** of a lot of work on my part, we became friends again. And I was really, truly happy with just that for the longest time.
Lately, as you've probably suspected by the fact that this post is even here to be read, things have changed. I can't help but notice that I'm falling for Ann again. My relationship with Belle just doesn't feel the same, on either side. She seems... weird, and I can't help but feel like when I'm hanging with her, it's exactly the same as hanging with her was when we were just friends. And when I'm hanging with Ann, my thoughts keep going places I don't want them too. Every time she hugs me, or laughs at one of my jokes, or thanks me for being there for her when she's sad, I think to myself "Maybe now I'm an inch closer to her leaving her boyfriend for me." Even though I desperately don't want to. I want to be happy with just being friends. I want to be faithful to my girlfriend in both my mind and my heart. Just by thinking about Ann in that way, I've wronged Belle in a sense, but I can't stop. I feel like an absolutely horrible person, and I don't know what to do. I'm confused, and angry, and frustrated, and I feel like my soul is going to tear itself apart. I want to stay with Belle. I want to be good to her. But my soul yearns to be with Ann and to tell her that I love her. It seems like no matter what I do, I won't be happy. I'll either be wracked with guilt for toying with Belle, again, and leaving her for someone else, who is her good friend by the way, or I'll keep having to fight these urges and feelings for the sake of my relationship.