No name, no blame.
What I'm sharing are thoughts I don't share aloud to anyone, because I don't want to attach my name or anyone's current idea of who I may be to them. What I'm sharing are the most hermetically-sealed-in-secret pieces of who I am beneath who I seem to be.
A couple years ago, I was prescribed medication I don't think I needed (before being exposed to it), but since then have become enchanted by the high it gives me, and now I feel dependent on it, and frequently abuse it.
I frequently isolate myself and fantasize about s**, or do something else equally destructively-distracting to tune out overwhelming emotions like guilt, fear, jealousy, stress or grief, instead of deal with the problems that revolve around them.
Sometimes I feel like I am actually a completely unstable, unproductive, depressed and dark human being unless I don't skip breakfast: a large cup of black coffee and the concoction of drugs that mellow me out, relax me, keep me awake, alert, focused, and numb my appetite. My personality feels directly related to the chemicals inside of me.
Sometimes I feel like I don't care about my genuine health, as much as I do appearing healthy (meaning skinny and socially happy). I find myself resorting to mood-altering substances rather than the natural ways of releasing endorphines, like working out, to become happy. I take pills that numb my appetite so I can be skinny. I do all of this so that people will see me as an attractive, approachable being, like me, and stay around.
In the back of my mind, I store the belief in having low expectations for another person's emotional investment in me, in terms of unconditional love, acceptance and devotion, etc. It's probably because I have an incredibly fickle heart myself, and seem to fall in and out of love or l*** on a complete whim. I don't know why. Sometimes I cry over you, and sometimes I feel like I don't need you at all.
Sometimes I want to move far away, and abandon all of my family and childhood friends, of whom I feel emotional tethers that limit me from being truly independent and free. I frequently want to feel no need for friends, family, love or a home, because I frequently feel like I'll never be a genuinely good enough person to maintain strong, deeply-rooted relationships with anyone.
Sometimes I fear that I'll never be able to achieve genuine happiness, success and satisfaction in life, because it involves me purging myself of all my current vices, which make up the majority of my genuine self. Drugs and empty, mind-numbing pleasures may be destroying my soul, but I've never felt such moments of euphoria as when I'm high- or feeling nothing at all.
I don't know how well I could deal with the pain that some sort of "recovery" would entail for me. I'm genuinely afraid of my medication being taken away from me. It makes me so much happier and on a consistent basis than the unpredictable, frequently painful/difficult situations in sober life had ever given me.