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It's a bit long: true venting
Okay only way i can really start this is by telling you who i am, i'm a twenty year old male who's in college, i'm trying to become a high school history teacher. okay now to start venting, all my friends and family see me as a serious/ happy person who just wants to make everyone smile and feel good about them selves, well they're mostly right. i like making others feel better, it makes me feel a little twitch in my chest every time, i feel like it gives me a purpose, i'm helping people get over their problems and every time i turn around the corner some seems to come running up to me with a new one. what they are all wrong about is me being a happy person, i'm not, every day i put on a fake smile and greet everyone, why, because i'm an unhappy person, why, because i help every one with their problems, but no one was around when i needed their help.
i have been unhappy since i was about six or seven years old, my dad ran off with a co-worker of his after cheating on my mom for several years, for the next three years i was constantly blaming myself, my school at the time didn't care, and told my mom that it wasn't their job to help me get over emotional issues that didn't concern the school. years later i ran into a group of jerks during high school who gave me a hard time every day, and even stopped a girl i liked from talking to me, from that day on! i hated every one, i was constantly screaming silently in my head at everyone, i even wanted to lash out at people, but my better half held me back.
in more recent years i've started thinking differently, my mind seems all over the place, like i don't have the brain of a guy. when most guys look at a girl with short shorts they start hitting on her and won't stop looking at her **, me, i just sit their look at what got everyone's attention and just don't care. instead my brain seems to work in ways that ** around with me, i think more like a girl, and wish half the time that i was a girl just to stop this feeling. my friends and family all think this type of thing is un-natural and against the works of god, s what would they say if i told them this? i just don't know. the only person who would have accepted this i found out has a friend who moved away and for the same reason, his reaction to it "he's a freak", i've got no one.
i don't understand half of myself, no one does, and it is driving me crazy, all i have ever wanted was for someone to listen, i've tried with my mom but it never works, all i get is an "it'll be okay down the road", okay fine i'll take that like a punch to the face, i sit down and listen too you and every other persons problems but i try to get some level of respect to try and understand me but no that's just to ** much for people! i'm tired and i want to give up on so many things, life is one of them, but every day i get up and ever problem in my life flick's in my head, and still no one is their to help me, so i get up and hope that today is the day someone helps me, that's what makes me get up in the morning, when i sleep i hope that i don't wake up, but with my luck that is asking to much clearly. if some one is really out there, i wish they'd just show up all ready.
You're very welcome. I'm glad it helped. I didn't mean to make you cry. I trust they were manly tears and didn't short out the keyboard :-). You just have to work towards coming to terms with things (relationships, feelings etc) in your life. Accepting what you can control, what you can't. Creating healthy boundaries and speaking up for what you need and want. None of this is easy, but it sounds like you're open to new ways of thinking about things. And that can only be positive. Oh and please stop the self bullying. It's hard and we all do it but it doesn't get us anywhere. Deep down you know you're awesome. All your friends know.. now you just have to believe that.
I'm being dead serious when i say this, you should be a councilor, you actually listened to me, helped me, and took it as a serious thing. i'm glad that i posted my frustrations on this site, it really does mean a lot to me. also don't worry, as you can see my key board is fine, and i'm getting better.
thank you.