What happened Last Week
If a person was to contemplate suicide due to an ugly divorce which increases your chance of offing yourself by a high factor. This is what that person may encounter in their endeavor. The research on line would lead you to believe that the easiest most common methods are Death by gunshot to the head, hanging, suffocation, and jumping from a tall place. The fact is that the more you research suicide, the more doubt you will find that you will actually kill yourself. That is the chaotic part of the information age. So many articles manipulated for the religious objective, that they will make you second guess your objective of finalization.
If you were non-religious you would say; s**** it I’m going to off myself, and go for it. But then you keep researching and you find that only 10% of successful suicides leave a letter. So then you have to rethink your strategy; because you probably wrote a suicide letter, and if the internet says that only .008% of people commit suicide and only 10% of them leave letters you are definitely screwed since you wrote one. So then you decide to burn it, not to leave any proof of it.
Step one since you are trying to be cost effective and you don’t own a .357 magnum the gun of choice for suicides according to the internet, you attempt to suffocate. You prepare your do not resuscitate sign and you put a sock down the throat with a bandana over it. Unfortunately the sub conscious kicks in, and you miraculously take I all off as soon as It gets serious. You then decide that next attempt you will use multiple bags, and tape with hand coughs for your hands to a light pole will do the trick, and for two days you have a scratchy throat from the sock down the throat.
So step two attempt to jump, you rent a hotel room on the top floor with a balcony. You wait until 2 a.m. since most people are asleep. When you get to the ledge and look down eight stories life kind of changes. You thinking about the pain of hitting the concrete, increases exponentially when looking down, and unless if you trip you will probably walk off. Unless if you get an audience then the shame factor of walking off kicks in and you are well you know. When you walk off you think to yourself maybe I should have ran for it and jumped like superman. Or maybe you should have rented a boat instead, taken a big rock and jumped in with it till you ran out of air.
Step three you get to the gun shop and buy the .357 for $800 to try the gunshot route. You ask the guy behind the counter what type of bullets are best for home defense so not to raise any flags you tell him that you are purchasing the revolver so your wife can easily use it, and he sells you a box of hollow points for about $40. Unfortunately you purchased the 2.5 inch Magnum so when you get to the point of doing it, you start thinking about the kick of the revolver and you rethink your strategy. Rather than shooting from the side of the head you push it into your eye socket and do it from the front. Although the internet says 99% chance of success on a brain contact shot with a .357 you just can’t seem to pull the trigger, so again you have another failed suicide attempt. You think if you only had that second revolver for the heart that you would definitely do it.
Step Four drink yourself to death or to the point of lowering your inhibitions’ of pulling the trigger. You go out and buy a bottle of Berry Amsterdam vodka because it is easy to down even if you are not a drinker. You sit in the bath tub with your .357 the trigger cocked and you start by taking 5 shots of the Berry Amsterdam Vodka then you drink a shot an hour for two hours until you pass out. Wake up 2.5 hours into your plan vomiting all over yourself. In that foggy moment you grab the revolver and attempt to pull the trigger, but you can’t so then you pass out for another 6 hrs covered in your vomit. When you wake up you wonder if it was the vomiting that kept you from dying of alcohol poisoning. The next three days your sides hurt and you are dehydrated like never before. Day 1 and 2 post attempt you sleep all day only to wake up with fire diarrhea, on day three your body develops insomnia and you are essentially a non-emotional dead man walking with a severe case of the shakes. You keep the bottle on your kitchen counter to remind you what a failure you are.
You go back to the internet and you read that people who attempt suicide are most likely to die of suicide. So then you say s**** it and just try to live your miserable life in deep depression because at this point it seems comfortable to you. After all you made a great attempt four times and you failed. Might as well keep living for now.
I will let you decide the conclusion to the story, but on day five the person who drank the bottle of alcohol could technically die of the organs shutting down. Good thing this story was written on day four. :)