Here's why I'm crazy

So after my Grandmother passed away, my girlfriend at the time’s Grandfather was in the hospital when we found out that her Mom had similar terminal cancer to the kind that killed my Stepfather. The nice one, not the one who used to beat me. She didn’t last as long as he did though.

Then I was in an accident that destroyed my car, a car that actually meant a lot to me, yet somehow I walked away from it unscathed. I remember the other driver coming right at me, pinning me in until I crawled out the passenger side, thinking I was about to die. And not caring. Took over a year just to get paid for part of what it was worth, but I can’t even be mad at her for hitting me, she just made a stupid mistake.

I then lost a job I loved, that I desperately needed, where I was surrounded by people who loved me, for reasons beyond our control.

My girlfriend and I started fighting even more, and she kept threatening to kill herself if I left, until I made good on my threats to call 911 on her. So she attacked me, and still blames me for it. And yet I still miss her. At least she didn't cheat on me and leave me because I couldn't give her children, fertility issues you see, or try to stab me and light me on fire because it turned her on sexually. Those were 2 other exes.

Then while helping my sister with a domestic situation, our Grandfather... how do I put this? Um, let himself die.

Eventually I did get another job, but it ended, and I had a panic attack, but wound up getting hired back, never dealing with my issues.

Later getting kidney stones and an infection because I didn't take care of myself, that still hurts months later because it did massive damage that I still haven't healed from. The doctors can't do anything about it either, other than toss pills at me that wear off and make me feel crazy. They did warn me that I was on my way to a heart attack like my cousin who died in his early 40's, so I went overboard starving on a diet, then got really mad at myself for cheating on it. Mostly because when I realized I was basically killing myself by overeating bad foods, again my reaction was that I didn't care. But I need to care because people are counting on me, so I of course went to the opposite extreme. I do that.

Both of my parents have health issues, my Dad with his heart and a bunch of other stuff, and my Mom has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's. We're hoping there's no tumor, she's doing an MRI soon to make sure. My Stepmom also has complications from surgery she had awhile back after pancreatic cancer. She has to keep going back into the hospital. Not good.

Also lost my apartment manager, who I was close to, and the owners wife is sick, so he may be selling the place or giving it to his kid, who wants to turn it into condos, so I might have to move again. Even though I don't want to. The neighborhood's not great though, so I've been thinking about it.

There's more, but that's the main stuff. All within the last 2 years or so. Could be worse I suppose, the last time I had a lot of this - relative I was close to dying, fiancé leaving me, job loss, car breaking down, getting really sick, losing my place to live, etc. - the business I was trying to start fell apart, causing me to go bankrupt, my best friend at the time had a miscarriage while her soldier husband was overseas, and other terribleness. Oh, and my dog died.

I do like someone. I had a little light in my world. But she's too young for me and I'm not really in a relationship place right now, so I tried to be her friend. But instead of taking her advice, which I really should have because she's gone through trauma as well, I flooded her with my negativity. Treating her more like a therapist than a friend. The one thing she specifically asked me not to do because she's got her own stuff going on right now and can't handle my crazy. Nor does she want to feed me hers, which I would use as an excuse to not deal with my own issues. So apparently after putting her on a pedestal, I subconsciously tried to drive her away to protect her from me, which she's too polite to admit I succeeded at perfectly. At least I see her all of the time.

That doesn't even touch upon all of the other stuff, like the abuses I've survived. Not just the physical, but the sexual (yes, sexual... I don't even like to talk about that, er, those), the mental, and emotional. The other times I've almost died, the time I did but unfortunately came back. I could go on, I really could. In case anyone is wondering why I'm so broken, why it seems like I can never sleep, there it is. That's why I'm just sad all the time.

But you'd never know it, because when you see me, I'll be smiling the most. It's why I'm so kind. Why I devote my life to helping others. I don't want anyone to have to feel as bad as I feel.

So how are you doing, are you ok?

Dec 23, 2015

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  • Everyone has baggage to contend with. That is life. We are given challenges and learn to deal and move forward. It's not easy. So you can go about your day with a smile on your face and no one will know what goes on in our individual lives, unless they ask or we offer up information. And even then, they truly won't feel what we feel unless they are affected personally. Most of the things you mentioned in your post seemed to have happened in your past. But the timeline is very short and has left you depressed. Aside from depression, it also sounds like you are possibly suffering from PTSD. When you lose something..the death of a loved one, losing a job, end of relationship or friendship or even your abuse (men are abused too, it's just not spoken about as much as it is for women) that you suffered earlier in have to process these moments and grieve the loss. And it sounds like they are all compounded together and it's just weighing on you. And when something else happens, you're not able to deal with it because it's bringing everything back up for you. All those things weren't given proper closure. With your friend that you have been confiding in maybe it was a bit of sabotage knowing what you knew and still talked to her. But also confiding in friends sometimes doesn't work because they are just not equipped to help and that's where investing in a good therapist may be just what you need. You deserve happiness.

  • I can relate!

    God bless you child!

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